My Take On Why Attachment Parenting Sucks Sometimes

A dear friend of mine posted a link to this blog yesterday and it really touched me. I have been struggling with parenting Eli solo. I feel like I have been as dedicated to attachment parenting as anyone. And I feel like it sucks sometimes. To clarify for those who may not be familiar with attachment parenting it is a style of parenting in which you follow your deepest instincts, without following any baby trainer books or other arbitrary rules of parenting. It is supposed to bring out the best in baby and mom according to Dr. Sears website. (Dr. Sear's coined the phrase "attachment parenting", although the idea was proposed years before by different doctors.) 
The following are the "rules" or "guidelines" of being an AP (attachment parent)

1. Birth bonding

2. Breastfeeding

3. Babywearing

4. Bedding close to baby

5. Belief in the language value of your baby's cry

6. Beware of baby trainers

7. Balance

• AP is an approach, rather than a strict set of rules. It's actually the style that many parents use instinctively. Parenting is too individual and baby too complex for there to be only one way. The important point is to get connected to your baby, and the baby B's of attachment parenting help. Once connected, stick with what is working and modify what is not. You will ultimately develop your own parenting style that helps parent and baby find a way to fit – the little word that so economically describes the relationship between parent and baby.
• AP is responsive parenting. By becoming sensitive to the cues of your infant, you learn to read your baby's level of need. Because baby trusts that his needs will be met and his language listened to, the infant trusts in his ability to give cues. As a result, baby becomes a better cue-giver, parents become better cue-readers, and the whole parent-child communication network becomes easier.

The above is all copied from this website by Dr. Sears. I want to address them each in turn and see where I fall on the AP parenting scale.

1. Birth bonding- I had an informed c-section, but I got to hold Eli as soon as I was able to sit up at all. I don't feel like I got to hold him very long. I don't remember. I know I did get to nurse him in the recovery room, and that was pretty successful. I also feel like this is the most practical of the 7, because unless there is some unforeseen, uncontrollable circumstance there is no reason for a baby and a mama to be separated immediately after birth. So I give myself an A for that one.

2. Breastfeeding-Eli has never had formula, and is still breastfeeding at 14 months old so I give myself an A on that part of it... but I know a lot of AP parents that read that as "breastfeeding on demand" which worked when Eli was tiny, but now if I nursed on demand everytime he asked, my boobs would hang out all day everyday because he likes to latch on for a few seconds then run off. Its like a "Squirrel!" moment (from the Disney movie, UP!???" anyway, I have had to go to setting limits and enforcing manners when it comes to breastfeeding. One friend of mine put it well, she said "Its the first set of table manners they learn". I like it. So a A- for this one.

3. Babywearing-I love babywearing. Eli is high touch most of the time and refuses to ride quietly in a stroller or basket at the store, so in order to shop peacefully I dont mind wearing him. Its also nice to have baby cuddles :o) the only negative about this is my back HURTS right now. Also, as he starts walking more he is constantly up and down, but I think thats probably normal. I give myself an A

4. Bedding close to baby-this is where I start to fail. For the first 6ish months of Eli's life we had an Arm's reach co-sleeper. My mom bought it for me on the way home from the hospital because I couldn't imagine leaving this tiny squish alone in his room. We slept OK for about the first 4 months. He woke frequently to nurse, and since I was hell bent on succeeding at breastfeeding, I nursed him every time he made a peep. Then we discovered side-lying nursing. I thought "Oh! This is great, I can sleep and nurse at the same time!!" Worst. Mistake. Ever. All it did was teach him that he can and should be latched on all night long, and I never got any real sleep that way. I'd doze off into this sort of trance like state, but could never enter real, deep sleep with Eli attached to me. So at 6 months we tried moving him back to his bed. Epic fail. I cant count the hours I spent in his room rocking him or holding him because I was a good AP mama, I couldn't let him cry it out! (CIO) I bought Elizabeth Pantleys No Cry Sleep Solution and tried that for about a month. I have never been more tired in  my life. The program has good merits, and for a less determined child it might actually work, but for Eli it was the same amount of waking but now I was out of bed to deal with it. So back in our bed he went until he was about 8 months old and I had had it. He was up every 45 minutes looking for the boob. I finally gave in and put him in his bed for one night and made him cry it out. I sat on the phone with my mom, bawling my eyes out while he cried for an hour. We checked on him every 10 minutes or so, but it gutted me. I hated it. I dont know if our sleeping problems would have been solved if I had been more dedicated to co sleeping or if I had given in and let him CIO. I'll never know. 

Fast forward to a year. He has been sleeping in his crib now for the past 4ish months, but still waking frequently. He has been cutting teeth so he has been back and forth from my bed to his. Some nights he sleeps fine in my bed, sleeping 4-5 hours at a time. Other nights he tosses and turns and talks and giggles and wants to lay on top of me, and screams to nurse and so on. Its frustrating. I wish he would just settle in my bed and sleep because we would both be much happier. Sometimes I get touched out and extremely sore from Eli sleeping right up against me, but if he would actually sleep for more than 2 hours at a time, I'd be all for it. Right now my mom has agreed to get up with Eli from 9-3. Which seems long, but I truly believe Eli is capable of sleeping that long. I am considering Dr. Jay Gordons' method of night weaning too...but thats another post. So a C- for co-sleeping.

5. Belief in the language value of your baby's cry-with the exception of that one night, I have never let Eli CIO. I love cuddling him, nursing him, and spending time with him. BUT I was also under the impression that babies who are raised AP dont cry as much because there is no reason to. Their cries are always met, so there is no reason to cry, right? Wrong. Eli cries more than any baby I've ever met. He has been checked over, and there is nothing medically wrong with him. He just cries a lot. I dont understand it and I feel like a failure because of it. He is an intense, demanding baby that requires an immense amount of time and patience. I am frustrated because I feel drained, and he still needs so much from me. I always hesitate to let Eli cry unattended because I am afraid there is always something wrong. Sometimes I don't know what is wrong that night, but in the morning I see that he is cutting a new tooth, or is really gassy, or he's cold or hungry or whatever. BUT my patience at night is wearing thin. I am so incredibly burned out. Its been at least 14 months since I have slept through the night...probably longer than that because the last few months of my pregnancy were hell. So a B+ for that. 

6. Beware of baby trainers-I see this. Ferber or Weisblueth would have you leave your baby to cry himself to sleep at 4 months or so. I can't honestly see that working. I have to say I have been tempted but have never had the heart for it. So I get an A.

7. Balance- I can say straight up front I get a big fat F for this one. I have no time for anything else. I frantically scramble to get homework done if Eli goes to sleep before he wakes up. I drag my tired body of out bed and rush to shower before he wakes up. My whole life seems structured around his sleeping and waking patterns. I dont know if thats normal or not but I can honestly say I feel exhausted. I am tired of not sleeping more than 3 hours at a time on a good night. I have no time for myself or friends or my husband. My mom has agreed to help me with Eli over night more because she can see how drained I am. I am starting to feel resentful and angry. I don't like feeling that way about my child. I feel like I have done EVERYTHING according to the stupid AP parenting philosophy and I am still failing. I try to meet his needs and be sensitive to what he needs and it never seems like its enough. I dont know what to do at this point. 

Overall the philosophy of attachment parenting seems sound, but I have to wonder if I am responsible for Eli's neediness and demanding personality. If I had done something differently would he sleep better? Would I? I dont know.

Updates

Its been a while since I posted anything new here! Life has been crazy, but that's par for the course these days. I am finished with classes for the semester, and wrapping up my practicum hours this week. Geoff is gearing up for finals and working like a mad man due to the holidays that are rapidly approaching. Poor guy, he drove down here on Tuesday, before Thanksgiving, stayed til Thanksgiving at 4:00pm, drove back to Greeley and worked from 7pm until 4am, then drove straight back here. It was wonderful to have him here for Thanksgiving/my birthday. I am SO ready for us to be a family again, I miss him tremendously. Its hard on Eli too, he doesn't understand why Daddy is here sometimes and then he'll wake up and Daddy is gone. He has started calling my phone "dada" because that's the only way he gets to interact with dada. We have tried skyping but Eli doesn't get it and rarely are we both home at a reasonable hour for Eli to skype with his dad. Its hard, but everything has a season and we're doing what we have to do to get through this right now.

As far as school goes, Geoff has this semester and next semester as a part time student, and then the 2012-2013 school year (provided I can get a job!!) He should be in a good spot to quit Wal-Mart and go to school full time! If he can pass this semester and next, Eli and I will move back to Fort Collins (again, provided I can get a job) and live there while he finishes up. Ultimately I would like to be back in the Springs permanently. I think its better for Eli to be here with family and I love having so much support from my sister and my parents. Like today, my mom left work early because I threw out my back. She came home to help me with Eli so I could go to the chiropractor. Anyway, I also would rather pay Chelsea to watch Eli than some random stranger. She is amazing with him, and I love that he gets to spend so much time with his cousins. On my side of things, I have one semester of student teaching left and I will be the proud owner of a teaching license!! whoo!! Once that is complete, I will have 2 classes this summer to wrap up to finish my masters in elementary education. That is a big change from when I originally entered the program, initially it was an extra 5 classes towards either a masters in elementary education or curriculum studies, but in that year I took off, they revamped the program and I *should* fall under the new program which only requires 2 more classes after the licensure. After I get my teaching license, while I am working on my masters, I would like to attempt to take the PRAXIS exam in social studies. Right now the Colorado Dept. of Education accepts either the required classes in an endorsement area OR a passing grade on the subject area test. That is likely to change soon so if I can just take the exam before it does and pass it, I will be licensed to teach elementary school AND middle and high school social studies (includes history, government, geography, economics, civics) THEN on top of that, there is talk of bringing an English Language Learners (ELL) and Special Ed (SpEd) certificate to UNC. I would LOVE to have an endorsement in special ed. In fact, I am considering taking the 12 credits to get a certificate for autism...its not eligible for financial aid under the FAFSA because its non degree seeking, but I think it would be SO awesome to have that kind of diversity in my background.

On the Eli front, he is doing OK. We had a lot of sleeping issues a few weeks ago, and have sense transitioned back to co sleeping almost full time. I was having a really emotional almost meltdown over breastfeeding a few days ago, but feel better now. We had to stop cosleeping for a while because he would FREAK out if he wasnt latched on nursing all night. I can't sleep like that, it hurts my back and I never really get to sleep, I just sort of doze off and wake up in that panicky OMG-stop-touching-me mode. Not good. My mom helped me get Eli used to going back to sleep without me (and the boob) and she got up with him for a few nights in a row to let me get caught up on sleep and help Eli learn to sleep better. Now he is back in bed with me and doing great at going to sleep with cuddles instead of milk. This has been amazing in my redirection of Eli and I's breastfeeding relationship. I am content with where we are now and am much more comfortable having set some boundaries for us both. On that note, I am thinking of going to FoCo *gasp* without Eli this weekend. I will likely drive up on Saturday and spend the night and my mom and dad were going to come up Sunday anyway! I am nervous and excited to leave Eli overnight, but think it will be very good for Geoff and I to have a night to ourselves. We need it, especially with the distance we have between us right now.

Robinson Family, Thanksgiving 2011

I didnt mean to write a novel, there is just a lot going on here right now :o)

Finally, school is winding down.

Phew. Its been a crazy long last few months. I started classes back in August and its been balls-to-the-wall since then. I have my last class for 2 of my 4 classes this week, one today and one on Thursday. I only have 2 more Science Methods classes, and practicum hours wrap up Dec. 9. I tentatively have my student teaching placement... I think I am going to be at The Classical Academy (off of Springcrest and Voyager) and I dont know what grade yet. I requested second, but would really prefer an upper grade. I am in fourth grade for my practicum hours and really like that age group. It will be an exciting new journey no matter which grade I get :o) I am excited to be student teaching in the spring, but concerned about leaving Eli for that long. I will have to be at the school from the moment my supervising teacher gets there, til the moment she leaves. So that could be 7-5 everyday. I hate to leave him that much. AND-I still dont know whether or not I want to apply for a job here or in foco. If I am here, I can probably find childcare more easily, but I dont want to be away from Geoff. If I am in Foco, jobs are more scarce, but I am with Geoff and we would have to pay for childcare....Its hard to say what is best.

On the Eli front, I can't believe how big and grown up he is. He is walking around like a crazy person. He is talking and babbling up a storm. He now says: my mama, dada, uh-oh, ouch, mo-nic-a, yuv yoo (love you), be-kah (becca), nana, papa, night-night, dat yoo (thank you), socks on, and he shakes his head yes and no. He can sign milk, more, thank you, all done (although he is stubborn about that one!!) We are working on the signs for please, cup, thank you (not his best sign) change, love you
He is STILL not sleeping through the night. We've been pretty fluid with his sleeping arrangements, some nights he sleeps with me, other nights he stays in his crib all night. Some well meaning people have told me that  I am encouraging his not sleeping by allowing him in my bed, and that may be so, but I don't care. I feel like its important to meet his needs at night, and if that means cuddling with mama to make up lost time during the day, then so be it. That being said, I hope he starts sleeping better before I start student teaching.

Can it really only be 1 week til Eli is ONE?!?!

I can't believe it. In one week my precious, tiny, amazing little boy will be one year old. His first birthday part is this Sunday and we've invited all of our family and friends to come celebrate with us. Eli has done some amazing things lately. First he took a few steps the other day! I couldn't believe it. My dad was kneeling down on the floor and Eli let go of the coffee table and took two steps to Papa! I tried to catch it on video but the video isnt very good, you can see it here. He also has two new teeth coming in, the top two in the middle. We've had a few rough nights because of it. I remember now why we stopped co sleeping a few months ago. I brought him to bed with me the other night because he was screaming and screaming, and I felt bad because he kept waking up screaming so I just brought him into my bed. He laid down and nursed for a long time and then as soon as I thought he was dozing off he started crawling all over the bed and giving me kisses and laying his head down. He crawled up on Geoff's pillow and laid down. Then he got up, then he laid down, up down up down. Finally I had to carry him to his bed and lay him down, and he settled right down and went to sleep!! Like I said, it reminded me why we stopped cosleeping :o)

Eli is getting his first haircut tonight too, so he can be soooo handsome for his first birthday party. We're also getting his pictures taken on Friday. We've never had professional pictures taken of him, so I am pretty excited to get them done. 

On the mama and dada front, we're both doing good. Its harder in some ways than I thought it would be to be away from my husband and easier in some ways too. Most days we're both so busy we dont have time to miss one another. I spend 10-12 hours a week at my practicum school in addition to the four classes I am taking and tutoring. Lesson planning, laundry, reading for class, grocery shopping and of course spending time with my baby boy. Thats my day. Geoff's day isn't much different except he spends 38 hours a week at work, not counting driving back and forth from Greeley to Fort Collins 2x a day so he can go to the two classes he's taking this semester plus labs. His lab time has been intense and I think he's doing well this semester in spite of everything. Otherwise his day is the same, school, chores, homework, work-work. We try and squeeze in phone conversations through out the day but even that is difficult. At night we both have so much homework to do its counter productive to work on homework. ah well, its all for a good cause and I can't even begin to describe how much I love being in the class room! I am doing my practicum observation in a 4th grade classroom at Monument Academy this semester and I love my class. Its amazing to see how many different types of kids there are and see how many different levels of abilities there are. I am going to miss them in December! 

Well, I need to go buy stuff to make my boys birthday cake! I can't believe he's already almost 1!!

Here he is at 11 months

back to the springs

I can't believe I am saying this, but I have officially moved back into my parents house. Eli and I moved back in this past weekend so I can finish school. Just to throw it out there, Geoff and I are not splitting up. Everyone seems to think we are, because Eli and I moved out but its temporary. We spent many hours discussing our options and decided its whats best for Eli and right now thats what matters most. Eli has greatly enjoyed spending the extra time with my parents and with his Aunt Chelsea. He loooves Aunt Chelsea and the girls. I hate being away from my husband, but its what is best for our family because there is no way I could leave Eli in daycare, it works for some, but Eli is a needy baby. He doesnt have the right temperament for daycare and I truly believe he'd be miserable, not to mention how costly it is! One daycare I interviewed quoted me $1100/month. Yikes. So Geoff and I are making due by talking on the phone as much as possible and trying to work out weekend visits. Cole has settled into Eli's room, which helps us out financially and gives Cole a place to live. I am sure Eli misses his daddy, because he goes around asking for him during the day, but its what it is. I started back to school this week and its so hard to balance Eli and school work. When I am home, I want to spend every moment with my baby boy and cuddle him and play and watch all the funny things he's started to do. However, I often need to split my attention between him and school works and it sucks. I have a new appreciation and respect for single mothers, its insanely difficult to be a good mother and work/go to school/ take care of the house etc. I am very lucky to have the support and help from my family with Eli. Even when I can't be there with him, I know he's being loved on and cared for by the people who love him most.
On a separate note, Geoff and I have now have Eli's first birthday planned (!!!!!) if you can believe he's going to be 1 in a little more than a month! Monica will be 1 in less than a month. I can't believe how big these babies have gotten and how fast they've grown. We bought some super cute monster themed supplies from good ol' wal-mart and am going to do sandwiches, chips, drinks and cupcakes for his special day. I am so excited for our baby boy. I have been asked a couple of times when I am going to wean him, and to me his is still so little. He counts on nursing still 4-8 times a day, depending on how much I am gone etc. He still needs mama milk and for now I am content to continue giving it to him. I can't imagine nursing much past the age of 2, but we will take it day by day and see how things are going for us both. As long as we are both enjoying it and there is milk to be had, I'll nurse him. Anyway, its getting late and I have class tomorrow so here is a pic for you to enjoy.

Eli, 10 months 08-05-2011

second half of the summer

I read somewhere that the half of the summer following the 4th of July is shorter than the part of the summer that preceeds the 4th of July. So far that has been true :) I am getting ready to take my Praxis exam, which basically just ensures I have the basic knowledge for becoming an elementary teacher (language arts, science, math, social studies) I have been studying as much as possible but sheesh! Its hard to study with Eli getting into everything! Eli has started cruising on the furniture and crawling like a mad man to get where he wants to be. He is extremely determined and not easily deterred either. If he wants something, he goes for it, and if you remove him from the object of his desire he arches his back and stomps his foot and yells at you. Its kind of funny, but probably wont be for long :o)
Eli and I are moving in with my parents in less than a month. This is going to be a huge change for us, as I have lived on my own since summer of 2005. It will be hard to be away from Geoff, and it will be hard on Geoff to be away from Eli. I know we can do it, military families have to endure a lot longer separations, but its not going to be easy. I am anxious and excited to be going back to school in the fall as well. Its going to be very hard to be away from Eli. He is very much attached to his mama and vise versa. Especially recently, the little guy has been going through some separation anxiety which has made it hard for him for me to even leave the room. He is comfortable with my sister and my parents, so hopefully the time away from me will be stress free for him. My other concern is that he is still nursing quite frequently during the day, despite eating three solid meals a day. We have moved to mostly baby fed meals, and the only things I spoon feed him are things like yogurt, otherwise he feeds himself. I am concerned though that he is going to reverse cycle and nurse more at night than he is now. As it stands now, he is regularly getting up 2-3 times a night to nurse. He nurses well and goes right back to sleep, which is good, but its still a lot of waking for me. I am hoping he'll outgrow the need to eat in the middle of the night sometime in the next 2-3 months, but I am not holding my breath on that one. I am also not comfortable with holding those feedings from him, because I truly believe he is hungry and needs the calories. He is still measuring in the >5th% for weight, so the more calories he eats, even at night, the better.
On an unrelated note, Geoff and I have been talking about having another baby sometime soonish. I would like one sooner than later, but we both agree that we BOTH need to be finished with school. Geoff has 6 credits lined up for this semester and 9 for the spring, and then (if all goes well and i get a teaching job!) he can quit Wal-mart and finish his last year full time. So we are at least 2 years out. Not my ideal spacing, but we'll do what we have to do. As always, here is the most recent Eli pic.

baptism photos and updates

Eli's baptism was a beautiful ceremony, and I am really glad we had it done. 

Anyway, I got these photos from my mom and sister while we were in the Springs and am glad to have them. However, I dont like how I look in them. at. all. I hate it in fact. I hadn't realized how much weight I had gained in the last few years. I luckily didnt gain much during my pregnancy, but I was fat before hand. lol.

Its been hard to eat right, because for some reason breastfeeding makes me super hungry sometimes. Starting tomorrow, I am going to start trying to eat right and walk with Eli everyday. I know its going to take quite a while to lose all of this weight, however I am confident it can happen! 

The fourth of July is coming up and Geoff has some vacation time, I cant wait to spend some time with him before summer is over. I am looking forward to this time, because once its over we have to face the school issue and things just seem more urgent after the 4th of July-like summer is almost over :o)

I am working on getting stuff worked out for school, I still need to take the PLACE test and register for classes. That's what is new for us for now.