some fear

Hello all. I know it hasnt been that long since I last posted, but give me a break...I am home alone all the time and getting anxious. I keep telling myself to relax, the baby will get here when he gets here and I am (mostly) at peace with the timing. My concern is my ability to give birth. There I said it. A few nights ago I had a massive gallbladder attack, and my poor, sleep deprived husband had to rush me to the hospital for treatment. I have never, ever been in so much pain. I was vomiting, shaking, sweating and groaning. My throat ached after the ordeal from all the "vocalization". I dont know how to describe the pain, but I'll give it my best. It feels like someone is sticking a redhot poker through my sternum and out my back and twisting it round and round. Nothing helps ease the pain, it is excruciating to sit or lean against it in any way, but it makes me so dizzy I cant stand through it. Anyway, I was at the point of losing it because of the pain. Literally, I was begging the nurse to give me something, anything for the pain and of course there was nothing they could do until the midwife got there to evaluate the situation. Geoff at one point just sat down next to me in the chair and put his head between his hands and shut down. He was having a really hard time dealing with it too. I am really concerned that if that was my reaction to this situation, am I going to be able to handle labor? I want to deliver this baby naturally. For me that includes no epidural and no analgesic. I am worried though that if I could only handle the gallbladder pain for a few hours, will I be able to handle labor? Are they that different? My midwife assures me that they are. Labor pains, she says, are very intense, however they come in waves and are purposeful. Also, there is a "reward" at the end. Labor produces a baby, where as gallbladder pain is just pain. I am starting to doubt my abilities though. I want my birth experience to be positive, and ultimately the goal is a healthy baby regardless of how labor goes. Even if that means a C-section. I would RATHER not go there though, if we can help it. I know labor is less than a month away, even if he's two weeks past his EDD. His "due date" is only 19 days away at this point, and I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that WE ARE HAVING A BABY! I mean, I know he's there. He does a good job of reminding me, but the concept of having a child that we are completely responsible for, a little life to nurture and care for, a life that is dependent on us, is hard to comprehend. I am trying to imagine my life with this little person in my arms and failing miserably. I dont doubt Geoff and I will be great parents, its not that, its just the changes that are coming seem so monumental that I can't grasp them. Speaking of Geoff, and parenting, my sister had her baby a week or so ago, a beautiful little girl named Monica. She really is beautiful, she looks a lot like her dad but definitely has some of my sister in her. Anyway, we went down to see them and Geoff was amazing with her. It touched my heart to see him so excited about this tiny life. He kept asking my sister questions and wanted to know if it was ok if he swaddled her and held her and he kept referring to the things we learned in our childbirth prep classes and was amazed by this tiny person. If that's his reaction to his niece, how is he going to be with our son? It makes my heart swell to think about.  I love my husband so very much. I appreciate him everyday and all the work he does. He goes to work, goes to school and helps out around the house everyday and I am so grateful to have him. Last night he vacuumed the entire house, took out the trash, and did all the dishes while I took a bubble bath. He's truly amazing. I feel so inadequate in so many ways. I desperately want to contribute to his life and enrich it in the same way he's enriched mine. I guess thats part of marriage though, wanting to be better and more for your mate everyday.
Hmm long, random post. My head feels clearer though.