I have been debating this blog post for over 3 months and finally feel like I need to the release of writing it. Geoff and I have been trying for over 2 years to conceive our second child and.....nothing. I just cannot get pregnant. Every month I hope and pray and chart and take vitamins and hope and pray some more. And still, nothing happens. Without TMIing all of you, I have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) which means my body tries to ovulate, then the egg doesn't release and I don't. However, since Eli's birth I have had fairly regular cycles. My midwife basically told me its because I am too fat. That was heart breaking to hear, as I weigh the EXACT SAME as when I got pregnant with E and I only gained 11 pounds my ENTIRE pregnancy. I am not denying I have weight to lose, I don't think that's the only issue. I think the reason I can't get pregnant is because when I found out I was pregnant with Eli I freaked out. Like FREAKED OUT***. I was hysterical, trying to figure out if I could make myself miscarry or give him up. I am so ashamed now. It breaks my heart to think I ever, even if just for a few moments, didn't want that boy. So now, maybe I am being punished and that's why I can't conceive. I guess I get what I deserve. All I know, is right now, at 8DPO, I am heartbroken with a negative pregnancy test in hand. I know its not too late this cycle, but it seems like it is never going to happen. So there is my confession, do with it what you will.
***edited to add, when I found out I was pregnant with Eli I was in my last semester of college, hating my job, and had been just accepted to grad school. I didn't think there was any way Geoff and I could care for a child. I don't hate babies (obviously) I just didn't think we should have one if we couldn't take care of him/her the way they deserved***
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ReplyDeleteYou are not being punished! You had every reason to freak out when you found out you were pregnant with Eli. That does not make you undeserving of him or another child. The odds of you conceiving were low then, so you know it is possible. It might take a little longer than you had hoped but it is not a punishment. Just focus on being healthy and when your body is ready it will give you the baby you very much deserve.
ReplyDeleteYou are NOT being punished...you were scared, and reacted out of fear. God saw your potential to be an amazing mommy beyond your fears. When our children react towards us out of fear we don't punish them, we nurture them and show them that they CAN do it... and I believe God works in the same way. I share in your guilt though because I have a feeling I reacted the same way with Scarlet. I regret ever feeling that way but I wouldn't change the way things worked out for one second, as I know you wouldn't either :). I will be saying a big prayer for you because I remember the sadness I felt every month while trying for DAREN, and I don't wish that on anyone. I feel like an ass for even suggesting this, but maybe, for now, you can redirect your focus to yourself...start a healthy but manageable diet, and try to lose some weight while also bettering your health. I suppose if it were me I'd rather try everything I can so that at the end of the day I would have no regrets. I am a firm believer in speaking life into a tough situation, so I will end this note with just that... I truly believe you will have another baby :), and will be praying for your body to do what it needs to do to make it happen! I am so sorry you are so sad. Keep hopeful!!
ReplyDeleteCorinne-I am eating better and trying to work out 2-4x a week depending on the week. I have basically stopped eating grain and sugar, and all processed foods. Some weeks I do better than others, like yesterday I ate a handful of M+Ms and today I had a couple pieces of french bread. It is SO HARD to not eat my feelings right now and I am doing my best to stay on top of my weight. Being obese sucks, and its so hard to lose weight with PCOS. sigh.
DeleteAwe, you are doing wonderfully! You just have to eat something bad from time to time! I always read that the diet pros are encouraging people to give themselves a day or two a week of relaxed eating becauce if you don't, your diet may not last but a few weeks! My husband struggles with his weight too....he is an emotional eater, and I am a terrible wife because if I know he's upset...I feed him! " What's wrong, Sug? Do you need a cheeseburgerrrrr?". I just want him to be happy but I only make things worse. I have a lot of compassion for people who struggle with their weight because I watch how much it bothers him. Losing 100 pounds is nothing like losing 5 or 10...it takes an entire lifestyle change, which would be so hard for anyone to do! I'm sorry this has been so tough. And PCOS in itself is usually the culprit with making it take so long to get pregnant so I just don't believe it's totally your weight. Like you Said, you were the same weight when you got pregnant with Eli. I'll be praying for your body to ovulate!!
DeleteI know somewhat what you are feeling. It took 8 years to conceive Caleb. I thought I would never have a child, that God was punishing me,and I was too fat. Finally, I gave it all up to God. I told Him that I was ready to accept what He had in store for me, I really wanted to be a mom, but I was leaving it up to him. It was hard to do, but when I finally released it to God, I had overwhelming peace. It was another year before I conceived, but it was a year of peace instead of regret. The peace that God will give you when you allow Him to take over is something I can't begin to describe. Just know it's not you. He is faithful to forgive AND forget. His timing and His plan is perfect for those that trust and follow Him....even when we don't understand. Love you much and I will pray for you and Geoff to have peace while you wait for God's perfect timing.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully said :). Love your story!!
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