My sweet boy is 6 weeks old today! Right now he is fast asleep in my lap, inside the Boppy. Its been a long 6 weeks with him, but on the same token I feel like we were just in the hospital with him. I guess because of the gallbladder thing I sort of missed the first week of November, I was shocked the other day to look up and see it was November 12. Lately I have been feeling a lot of frustration and hopelessness. I dont know if it is postpartum depression, or just the fact that the honeymoon period is over and reality is setting in that I now have this tiny life dependent completely on me for everything and I am unable to take care of him. We are breastfeeding and cloth diapering in an effort to save money, but its not enough. The fact is that I am going to have to go back to work in January and leave him. And it breaks my heart to think of someone else being there for his first coos, the first time he rolls over, the first time he crawls and maybe the first time he talks. I want to be the one he smiles at first, the one he says his first words to and so on. I am not sure how we can afford daycare either...I am probably going to have to work full time in order to make enough to pay for daycare and to bring in any income. I have been looking at our budget because almost everyone insists we can save money by me not working, and we can cut things down to a bare minimum so I can stay home and so on...reality is that its not true. I have to work. The numbers on the page just dont add up. And by working, I will have to leave my son for someone else to raise. I want to find a way to make money from home, but I cant figure out what sort of skills I have that would bring any income in. Sigh.
On top of that, my health has been crappy lately. I guess not my "health" but physically, I am struggling a lot. My body is trying to heal from two major surgeries in the span of a month, and take care of a newborn. Eli is a great baby, I couldnt ask for anyone sweeter or easier, but he's still a newborn with newborn needs and frustrations. He is currently going through a growth spurt so he's wanting to eat every 1.5-3 hours. Last night for example, he ate at 8pm and we were going to put him to bed. By 9:40 he was up again. So he ate again. At 1am he ate, then again at 3:15, 5:30, 7:00, 8:30 and 9:50. He then slept (thankfully) while I was at my doctors appointment getting my stitches removed. He ate when we got home at 11, and again at 1 and is now asleep. He's gotta be exhausted too! Luckily, breastfeeding is going well, He latches on just fine most of the time and eats well. I am struggling with it becasue I feel like I spend so much time feeding him I have zero time to do anything else. Even eating lunch some days is an achievement. I guess I just feel like my hands are tied, there is nothing I can do to fix it. I cant fix our finances by cleaning the house more, I cant feed Eli and pay our bills, I cant even get laundry done most days. I feel like I am drowning and there is no one to pull me out. I dont even feel like I have Geoff's support either. I mean, I know he loves me and the baby but he gets frustrated with Eli easily, therefore I have him 99% of the time. Even the day after my surgery, he would not wake up and get out of bed and change Eli's diaper for me. He slept til 1 in the afternoon the day after my surgery and has been no help to me, at all. I understand there's not much he can do and he is also working fulltime during the busiest time of the year for retail and trying to pass his classes. Its just hard for me to have the baby 100% of the time, or it was I guess the past two weeks. I am healing very well now and Eli and I are in a routine and most days are enjoyable. He's not done well in school the past few semesters which is why I have a degree and he doesnt. At the same time, he is frustrated with my situation because I actually have my degree, but for all intent and purposes its worthless. I mean, it got me into grad school but that costs money too.
Speaking of school, in the fall I am planning on going back in the fall because, at least last semester, they were offering me $20,000 in aid. That is more than I made a year at Whole Foods most of the time. That should hopefully be enough for us to live on in conjunction with Geoff's salary. Eli will be a year old then, and I will be slightly more comfortable putting him in daycare. And, if I finish my practicum quickly, I will only have class two or three days a week, and the rest of the time I will be home with my boy. The following semester (spring 2011) I will hopefully be student teaching, and again Eli will have to go to daycare. I hate the idea of him ever being in daycare, but I especially hate the idea of him being in day care at the tender age of 3 months :o( It breaks my heart thinking of it, and I feel tears burning my eyes as I type it out. I am not sure what our future holds and am trying not to slip into a state of despair while I wait to see how it unfolds.
If you read this, please dont think I dont love my husband or my son, it was just an outpouring of the jumble of thoughts in my head. Journaling has always been therapeutic for me and it does my soul good to get it all out.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
a month (or so) postpartum
Its been a month a few days since I had my little man! I cant believe how fast the time has gone, I feel like just a few days ago we were sitting in the hospital holding him, changing his diaper for the first time, and trying to figure out this parent thing. Here I am now, curled up on the couch, still changing diapers, wondering where the month went. A lot has changed in my life in the last month. As I type, Eli is fighting his hardest not to doze off in my arms, and his daddy is switching out the washer so he'll have clean dipes tomorrow! We've been doing cloth for the past two weeks or so and I really like it so far. Today was one of my first experiences with cloth in public, and it was a little more difficult to change him but we got it. I just ordered some pocket diapers, which are structured like a disposable (and more trim) for use in the diaper bag and for ease of use for people who dont cloth. I cant wait to get those in! I ordered four Thirsties Duo Diapers because we are using the Duo Covers and LOVE them...so I thought we should try the diapers too. I also ordered another snappi and another pail liner. We didnt HAVE to have another pail liner, but since we wash his diapers every 2-3 days, and the liner takes a day or so to dry, it will be much easier to have another one in rotation. I am very interested in trying wool diaper covers sometime soon, but they are expensive and strictly speaking, we're broke.
Speaking of being broke, my mom and sister came up today with my nieces and we did some shopping for Christmas. It was nice, my mom bought the kids several books for Christmas. I would rather have books than clothes or toys for him anyway!! I love to read to him, and he usually sits quietly and listens. I dont know how much of it he takes in, but I think its good for him to learn to appreciate books while he's little. My mom and dad were also up here on Sunday and bought him some clothes. Everything we bought him is a 0-3 or just 3 month size, because he's a month old and just starting to fit his newborn stuff perfectly :o) His cloth butt helps, because he's skinny and the cloth is bulky so it holds his pants up! It was fun to get some real clothes for him too, since he's mostly only worn sleepers since that's all I had for him until now.
My 6 week check-up is coming up, and I am sort of nervous. I dont know why, just am. On a positive note, I have lost 33lbs since delivery!! And I only gained 11lbs total with him, so I am -22lbs since I got pregnant. I am going to have to work super hard to keep it off now though since my diet has changed. Or can change. I was on a very low fat diet due to gallbladder attacks but I had my gallbladder out on November 5.
Oh, the gallbladder. How I hate thee. I was told at 27 weeks pregnant that my gallbladder was bad. We ended up in the ER for it because I was having shooting, stabbing, burning pain in my chest and right shoulder and we could not figure out why. I sucked it up all day and Geoff ordered us pizza for dinner that night. One slice of pizza later we were on our way to the ER, it was that bad. The discharge instructions for the pain were to stay on a low fat diet, and avoid animal fats in particular. OK...not so bad right? Until a few weeks later when I had a roast beef sandwich (very low fat!!) and ended up back in the ER. I dont know how to describe gallbladder pain...but I'll try. It feels like someone reached inside your chest and is squeezing your insides as hard as they can. It is excruciating to breath or cough, I personally couldnt handle sitting or laying back on it, and it felt like I was on fire. On top of that, I usually would vomit and shake and get dizzy and sweaty and so on. I can honestly say I would rather be in labor than have gallbladder pain. My midwife compared it to kidney stones, now I've never had one so I dont know, but I've heard they're painful. Anyway...4 or 5 hospital visits for gallbladder pains from 27 weeks pregnant til delivery. In the hospital a surgeon came by and spoke to me about it. She recommended having it out because it would likely flare up with any other pregnancies I had and so on. She didnt think it would be a problem though as long as I wasnt pregnant and any possible flare ups would be manageable at home. HAHAHA....right. I had three flare ups in a week. Two ended in massive doses of percocet. After the second bad one, I called the surgeon at 3 am and insisted on being patched through to the on call doctor to get surgery figured out ASAP. He told me to come into the office in the morning (thursday) and we'd schedule it! So my mom came up to help with the baby. My appointment was at 11am and went well. He was hesitant at first since my c-section was not quite a month old yet, but I told him I had already had two flareups since delivery and could not function anymore. He reluctantly agreed and scheduled surgery for the next day. We left the office and stopped at Jimmy Johns for a sandwich real fast on our way to the hospital to pre-register. I had a plain turkey sandwich on white bread. Thats it, turkey, and bread. At the hospital I started having pain and by the time we left I was almost in tears. We got home and I took two percocet right away. An hour and a half later I was pacing the house, trying not to scream in pain and my mom crushed another percocet for me to try. Half an hour later, we were back in the ER. I was devastated. My mom had to drive my car since Eli's car seat was installed in it already and she couldnt move Liz's car seat out of hers. Geoff was in Denver. Eli was hungry, but thank God I already had the foresight to have bottles frozen for him. My mom packed up a bottle and took me into the ER. Once we got there, they had to stick me 7 times to get the IV started because my veins were so clinched down because I was in so much pain. At this point Eli started fussing to be fed and I sat in bed and bawled like a baby while my mom fed him with a bottle because I was in so much pain, I couldn't tend to my son. I literally felt like crawling out of my skin. They brought a pump down from Labor and Delivery for me to pump, but I gave in first and took the pain meds first so I had to dump my milk. I have never felt so useless in life than in that moment. They got me stable and sent me home. My mom and dad spent the night so they could be with Eli the next day for surgery.
The next day, Geoff and I had to be at the hospital at 6:30am for 8am operating time. The doctor assured Geoff that I would only need a lot of help for the first 24 hours or so and I'd be back on my feet. Liar. He didnt account for the fact that my c-section hadnt healed all the way yet because I am miserable. Surgery went well and they sent me home at noon or so the same day. The first night was hell, I couldnt hardly function or get in or out of bed by myself. My husband is a heavy sleeper too, so he was not really any help. Since then I have been sleeping on the couch because its easier for me to get off of by myself. Eli has a co-sleeper bassinet that we wheeled out into the living room for me too. The doctor called to check on me today and mentioned that he forgot about the c-section when he was giving Geoff my post op instructions and was wondering how I was doing since I had two major surgeries in a month. Sigh. I have to say, thank god for my parents!! They have been up here a lot helping out with the baby. No one really understands how much pain I am still in, or how hard it is to rest and recover from both the c-section and gallbladder surgery with an infant at home. Eli is a good baby, but holy smokes I am hurting. I think that is the most frustrating part of all of this. I am in so much pain and so tired of begging Geoff to do stuff for me. He says he doesnt mind, but I can understand and read his frustration when he has to stop what he's doing to get me drink of water, or get up to hand me the baby because I cant stand up with him in my arms or bend over and pick him up. I am angry that I am struggling with it so much and that I even need so much help. I would rather do it myself and not have to ask. But I can't. So my poor husband is once again stuck taking care of his invalid wife. Its been hard...and I am really worried about what the medical bills are going to look like. I have already starting looking for a job so we will be ok. I dont know what I can do that will be worth me working and having to leave Eli, but we're beyond broke. I have to figure something out so we can pay off his birth and my multiple hospital visits + surgery. I feel like a worthless hypochondriac. I hate being sick or going to the hospital and medically, its been a rough year for me, and I have incurred thousands of dollars in medical bills. I am hoping I can find some sort of part time job on the weekends and evenings so I can help pay them down. Its gonna suck though. I will work when Geoff's gone and we will never see each other. Oh well, thats the price you pay for having a baby and having bills I guess. I am hoping I can afford to go back to school in the fall somehow... because if I can finish my degree then I can teach which would pay the bills. Of course there is still a question of what to do with my little man...day care is expensive folks! Oh well, I cant get to worked up about it right now. I am going to go to bed.
Speaking of being broke, my mom and sister came up today with my nieces and we did some shopping for Christmas. It was nice, my mom bought the kids several books for Christmas. I would rather have books than clothes or toys for him anyway!! I love to read to him, and he usually sits quietly and listens. I dont know how much of it he takes in, but I think its good for him to learn to appreciate books while he's little. My mom and dad were also up here on Sunday and bought him some clothes. Everything we bought him is a 0-3 or just 3 month size, because he's a month old and just starting to fit his newborn stuff perfectly :o) His cloth butt helps, because he's skinny and the cloth is bulky so it holds his pants up! It was fun to get some real clothes for him too, since he's mostly only worn sleepers since that's all I had for him until now.
My 6 week check-up is coming up, and I am sort of nervous. I dont know why, just am. On a positive note, I have lost 33lbs since delivery!! And I only gained 11lbs total with him, so I am -22lbs since I got pregnant. I am going to have to work super hard to keep it off now though since my diet has changed. Or can change. I was on a very low fat diet due to gallbladder attacks but I had my gallbladder out on November 5.
Oh, the gallbladder. How I hate thee. I was told at 27 weeks pregnant that my gallbladder was bad. We ended up in the ER for it because I was having shooting, stabbing, burning pain in my chest and right shoulder and we could not figure out why. I sucked it up all day and Geoff ordered us pizza for dinner that night. One slice of pizza later we were on our way to the ER, it was that bad. The discharge instructions for the pain were to stay on a low fat diet, and avoid animal fats in particular. OK...not so bad right? Until a few weeks later when I had a roast beef sandwich (very low fat!!) and ended up back in the ER. I dont know how to describe gallbladder pain...but I'll try. It feels like someone reached inside your chest and is squeezing your insides as hard as they can. It is excruciating to breath or cough, I personally couldnt handle sitting or laying back on it, and it felt like I was on fire. On top of that, I usually would vomit and shake and get dizzy and sweaty and so on. I can honestly say I would rather be in labor than have gallbladder pain. My midwife compared it to kidney stones, now I've never had one so I dont know, but I've heard they're painful. Anyway...4 or 5 hospital visits for gallbladder pains from 27 weeks pregnant til delivery. In the hospital a surgeon came by and spoke to me about it. She recommended having it out because it would likely flare up with any other pregnancies I had and so on. She didnt think it would be a problem though as long as I wasnt pregnant and any possible flare ups would be manageable at home. HAHAHA....right. I had three flare ups in a week. Two ended in massive doses of percocet. After the second bad one, I called the surgeon at 3 am and insisted on being patched through to the on call doctor to get surgery figured out ASAP. He told me to come into the office in the morning (thursday) and we'd schedule it! So my mom came up to help with the baby. My appointment was at 11am and went well. He was hesitant at first since my c-section was not quite a month old yet, but I told him I had already had two flareups since delivery and could not function anymore. He reluctantly agreed and scheduled surgery for the next day. We left the office and stopped at Jimmy Johns for a sandwich real fast on our way to the hospital to pre-register. I had a plain turkey sandwich on white bread. Thats it, turkey, and bread. At the hospital I started having pain and by the time we left I was almost in tears. We got home and I took two percocet right away. An hour and a half later I was pacing the house, trying not to scream in pain and my mom crushed another percocet for me to try. Half an hour later, we were back in the ER. I was devastated. My mom had to drive my car since Eli's car seat was installed in it already and she couldnt move Liz's car seat out of hers. Geoff was in Denver. Eli was hungry, but thank God I already had the foresight to have bottles frozen for him. My mom packed up a bottle and took me into the ER. Once we got there, they had to stick me 7 times to get the IV started because my veins were so clinched down because I was in so much pain. At this point Eli started fussing to be fed and I sat in bed and bawled like a baby while my mom fed him with a bottle because I was in so much pain, I couldn't tend to my son. I literally felt like crawling out of my skin. They brought a pump down from Labor and Delivery for me to pump, but I gave in first and took the pain meds first so I had to dump my milk. I have never felt so useless in life than in that moment. They got me stable and sent me home. My mom and dad spent the night so they could be with Eli the next day for surgery.
The next day, Geoff and I had to be at the hospital at 6:30am for 8am operating time. The doctor assured Geoff that I would only need a lot of help for the first 24 hours or so and I'd be back on my feet. Liar. He didnt account for the fact that my c-section hadnt healed all the way yet because I am miserable. Surgery went well and they sent me home at noon or so the same day. The first night was hell, I couldnt hardly function or get in or out of bed by myself. My husband is a heavy sleeper too, so he was not really any help. Since then I have been sleeping on the couch because its easier for me to get off of by myself. Eli has a co-sleeper bassinet that we wheeled out into the living room for me too. The doctor called to check on me today and mentioned that he forgot about the c-section when he was giving Geoff my post op instructions and was wondering how I was doing since I had two major surgeries in a month. Sigh. I have to say, thank god for my parents!! They have been up here a lot helping out with the baby. No one really understands how much pain I am still in, or how hard it is to rest and recover from both the c-section and gallbladder surgery with an infant at home. Eli is a good baby, but holy smokes I am hurting. I think that is the most frustrating part of all of this. I am in so much pain and so tired of begging Geoff to do stuff for me. He says he doesnt mind, but I can understand and read his frustration when he has to stop what he's doing to get me drink of water, or get up to hand me the baby because I cant stand up with him in my arms or bend over and pick him up. I am angry that I am struggling with it so much and that I even need so much help. I would rather do it myself and not have to ask. But I can't. So my poor husband is once again stuck taking care of his invalid wife. Its been hard...and I am really worried about what the medical bills are going to look like. I have already starting looking for a job so we will be ok. I dont know what I can do that will be worth me working and having to leave Eli, but we're beyond broke. I have to figure something out so we can pay off his birth and my multiple hospital visits + surgery. I feel like a worthless hypochondriac. I hate being sick or going to the hospital and medically, its been a rough year for me, and I have incurred thousands of dollars in medical bills. I am hoping I can find some sort of part time job on the weekends and evenings so I can help pay them down. Its gonna suck though. I will work when Geoff's gone and we will never see each other. Oh well, thats the price you pay for having a baby and having bills I guess. I am hoping I can afford to go back to school in the fall somehow... because if I can finish my degree then I can teach which would pay the bills. Of course there is still a question of what to do with my little man...day care is expensive folks! Oh well, I cant get to worked up about it right now. I am going to go to bed.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
adventures in cloth diapering
Since before Eli was born, I have been interested in trying cloth diapering. A good friend of mine cloth diapers her little girl and loves it, and a couple of girls from work cloth diaper and they love it! I have to admit, part of the draw was being "on the cutting edge" haha, which is funny because cloth is a lot older than disposables, but I love the all natural simplicity of cloth. I like the lack of chemicals, the ease of use (I know, whats easier than rip if off and throw it away...but really! They are easy!!) I like how cost effective they are. We went down to Baby Cotton Bottoms in Colorado Springs and talked to my friend, Katie Zook, who works there to get set up. We started with 24 bleached chinese prefolds and four thirsties duo covers and a snappi. We chose prefolds and covers because they are really cost effective and easy to use, easy to wash and so on. We've been using cloth for a week or so now and I have decided we need at least one more cover. Covers seem to last 4-6 diaper changes, so our four covers sometimes are dirty before the diapers are. On occasion he will have a massive blow out, and leak through to the cover but so far he has not had any blowouts that ended with poop on the clothes! To get started, we washed our diapers in hot water, cold rinse and dried them three times. We also washed the covers and diaper bag liner once to get started and hung those to dry. We use a dry pail method since exclusively breast fed babies poop doesnt stink so bad. The first few days I noticed the pee smell was stronger, but if we change him often I dont notice it so much now. I usually change him every feeding in order to keep him dry and clean. We also just started using cloth wipes, since we're doing laundry anyway. I use an empty disposable wipes container with a bit of baby wash in it, and we change the water when we wash the diapers (every other day or so) and we did not buy special wipes, but just used the hundreds of wash clothes we received at my baby shower. I actually LOVE cloth wipes, they smell so fresh and if he gets poop on the cover I can wipe it off easily or if he catches me off guard and pees on us both, I can wash him off with it too.
So heres our stash
-24 bleached chinese prefolds
-4 thirsties duo covers with snaps (these are amazing, they will cover him from birth til about 18lbs!! then size two goes from 18-35lbs! no more covers to buy, just prefolds!!)
-1 snappi (no pins! it looks like an ace bandage clip but a "T" shape, so it holds across him and down)
I am ordering tomorrow....4 thirsties duo pockets (these are trim and easy for diaper bag use, or for people who dont cloth) and two more covers, like I said they get dirty sometimes more often than I expected
and at least one more snappi. I dont like having just one, just in case we lose or break it.
I am really interested in trying wool covers too, I have heard from more than one person that they are awesome. They are treated with lanolin which is supposed to mix with the uric acid in pee and make "soap" so wool covers dont need to be washed so often. They are expensive though...like $30 or more. I have been checking out etsy for wool covers...and once we get paid again I may go ahead and order one to try.
I will probably rewrite this later, as I am hopped up on percocet right now since I had gallbladder surgery yesterday. Yes, thats right. I had my c-section on October 5, my gallbladder out November 5, lets not do surgery on December 5!! The gallbladder has been a long time coming...but thats another post another day.
So heres our stash
-24 bleached chinese prefolds
-4 thirsties duo covers with snaps (these are amazing, they will cover him from birth til about 18lbs!! then size two goes from 18-35lbs! no more covers to buy, just prefolds!!)
-1 snappi (no pins! it looks like an ace bandage clip but a "T" shape, so it holds across him and down)
I am ordering tomorrow....4 thirsties duo pockets (these are trim and easy for diaper bag use, or for people who dont cloth) and two more covers, like I said they get dirty sometimes more often than I expected
and at least one more snappi. I dont like having just one, just in case we lose or break it.
I am really interested in trying wool covers too, I have heard from more than one person that they are awesome. They are treated with lanolin which is supposed to mix with the uric acid in pee and make "soap" so wool covers dont need to be washed so often. They are expensive though...like $30 or more. I have been checking out etsy for wool covers...and once we get paid again I may go ahead and order one to try.
I will probably rewrite this later, as I am hopped up on percocet right now since I had gallbladder surgery yesterday. Yes, thats right. I had my c-section on October 5, my gallbladder out November 5, lets not do surgery on December 5!! The gallbladder has been a long time coming...but thats another post another day.
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