Oliver's Birth

Long time no post. We have been busy here in the Robinson house! Eli is 7 and in first grade at the school where I teach (we are a K-12 school) and Maddie just turned 3 and goes to a fantastic in-home daycare while I work. Geoff is still at Wal-mart and I am over halfway through my 6th year teaching.

So to back up regarding Ollie, this summer I told Geoff if we were on the fence about a 3rd child we needed to decide because I am getting old! I turned 31 in November and always wanted to be done by 30. Lo and behold, I was pregnant the next month. This was a total shock considering the hoops we jumped through to conceive Maddie. My original due date based on my cycle was January 27. We were feeling optimistic about this, but realized I was probably going to have to go back to work at some point just because the financial impact of maternity leave on a teacher is harsh. An early ultrasound confirmed the pregnancy, but put my due date at February 6 instead. I was worried about him being due so close to Mads's birthday, but what could I do at that point? The pregnancy was mostly fine, I had my fair share of "morning sickness" including some highly embarrassing episodes at work where my assistant principal had to come cover my classes so I could barf. Fun. At Ollie's 20 week ultrasound we confirmed what I suspected, we were having another little boy! We also got the news that he had some soft markers for Downs Syndrome, especially around his heart. I was fairly worried but a follow up ultrasound dispelled our worries.  Eli had been hoping and wishing for a brother, and Maddie didn't care too much, so I am glad it worked out the way it did. Coincidentally, we had our ultrasound right before Eli's 7th birthday and he requested that we do the gender reveal at his party. It was fun to announce it to our family and friends that we were expecting another sweet son. The rest of the pregnancy was fine, I had a better time physically this time than I did with the other two. I think it is because I was in much better shape this go around than last time, so my back pain and whatnot was much easier to deal with.
Fast forward to 38 weeks, and we had a scare where I wasn't feeling much movement. A frantic call to a friend to come sit with Mads and Eli and we headed to L&D to do a non-stress test. $600 deductible later and he was fine. My last day of work was scheduled for February 2, based on my due date of Feb 6. I came into work on January 30 and my sweet advising kids had planned a surprise baby shower for me. They had balloons and cupcakes and gifts. I appreciate their caring so much, they are an incredible group of kids and I am lucky to get to know them!

My due date came and went, and no baby! One of the midwives I see recommended an extra ultrasound a non-stress test the following week to make sure everything is OK. I agreed and went home to wait til 41 weeks. I woke up on Friday (Feb 9) just exhausted. I was so tired that day and even ordered pizza for the kids for lunch so I didn't have to get up and make them food. I think my body was trying to conserve energy for the next day. There was a lot of drama and headache surrounding the fact that he was 4 days overdue. No one anticipated his later arrival and we were stressing over when and how to get everyone here. My mom generously offered to drive up Thursday night or Friday night and spend the night in a hotel so she could be here just in case, but at that point I just wanted to be left alone to focus through the next few days. I am apparently a high strung person, because with all three kids I could not go into labor until I was left alone and in a quiet space, usually in the middle of the night! I was really worried about the kids' birthdays being so close together, but I think as long as we make sure there is time and attention for both, they will be fine. 

I woke up at 1:30 am that night with intense back labor. I tried to doze between contractions because I was still incredibly fatigued. Finally at 3 I couldn't stand it anymore and got up to pace the living room and time the contractions. I got Geoff up at around 4 because my contractions were coming every 2-10 minutes, I was in searing pain. We called my parents and sister who were coming up to sit with the other kids. by 4:30 we didn't think we could wait any longer because I was in agony and the contractions were coming so fast. Our friend Lori came to sit with the kids while my family made their way north through a crazy snow storm. Geoff and I left for the hospital at 5 and got there at 5:30. It took a while for them to admit us so I labored around the waiting room. Once we finally got upstairs and admitted, we had a visit from the on call OBGYN, standard policy for a VBAC. She kindly and factually explained the risks of a TOLAC (trial of labor after cesarean) and wished us the best. She was really nice to work with, because the doctor we had used with Maddie was very fear-mongering and basically treated me like a fool for wanting a VBAC and acted like I was going to kill my baby. This doctor was kind and supportive and really wanted me to be successful! 

Shift change is at 7am, and here came my favorite midwife, the same one who delivered Mads! Marie is one of those people I can see wearing a flower crown and delivering babies in a field somewhere. I dont think she could be anything BUT a midwife, she is just so well suited to her profession. She also had a student with her who is finishing her clinicals, her name is Tess. Tess was a huge help during labor, providing pain relief measures outside of an epidural and generally was supportive of my goals. Tess asked if she could check me, and I consented, reluctantly. I was surprised to hear I was at a 6! I labored for a while with the help of the midwives, the amazing nurse, Angie, and my husband. Angie spent several hours following me around, sitting on the floor, and doing whatever she needed to get a steady read on the baby. Unfortunately this was not enough for us to keep a lead on him. I had to get in bed and lay still to find his heart beat for at least 20 minutes. This was really hard on me because I was needing to move and have counter pressure for each contraction. I was getting frustrated because back labor is painful and I had to keep stopping to let them get the heart beat again. Tess suggested that we try a TENS unit for a while and I was surprised how much it helped. I started to find myself caught in the fear-tension-pain cycle though as labor continued to ramp up, because I remember how terrifying and painful back labor could be After several hours of this my labor was starting to fizzle. For some reason I was still incredibly tired, like could not hold my eyes open. I got in the tub for a while and then agreed to letting them break my water and put an internal monitor on Ollie so I could labor freely. Tess tried to check me again and I could not tolerate being on my back. Geoff and I discussed an epidural at this point because I was so tired. We decided to proceed because my labor was stalling, I was exhausted, and I was getting really frustrated with the continuous monitoring putting me back in bed and unable to cope with the intensity of yet another back labor. We got the epidural around 3pm. Of course the epidural added to the cycle of labor stalling, so they broke my water, put a lead on the baby and let me rest for a bit. I had a pretty good epidural placement, but due to a prior injury, I had a pretty big window on my lower back that didn't take. 

At this point I was an emotional wreck. I was so tired, and so anxious about getting him here, I was just bawling. My midwife stopped by to check on me again and sat with me for a while, reassuring me that I was doing good work and that he'd be here soon. I dozed for a bit between contractions and by 5pm my labor was almost stopped. They gave me a tiny bit of pitocin to help labor pick back up, and by 7pm I was ready to push. My epidural was still there, in the sense I did not have full sensation on my legs, but I had good leg control and definitely understand the reference to the "ring of fire". I was still feeling really emotional, frustrated that labor had stalled, and I felt like I had failed because I got an epidural, my goal was always a "natural" birth. I was weepy and swinging wildly from making jokes to sobbing. By 7pm, I was hell bent on getting Oliver here at that point and pushed like my life depended on it. 4-5 really good pushes later, and he was here! He cried right away and they set him on my chest to let the cord stop pulsing. He settled down right away and cuddled into mama. Then he peed on me, followed by his first poop. Lucky mama. All 7lbs 10 oz and 20" of baby was here. 

My mom and dad were able to bring Eli and Mads up to meet their little brother right away. Eli had asked for us to take a picture of the placenta, and we did. Even better though, the nurse heard us talking about it and saved it for him in a tub! Gross, but cool! Maddie and Eli both got to listen to his heart and help weigh and measure him.

He slept well our first night there, and the second. We wanted to go home after 24 hours, but because he was born at 7:16pm, they had to keep us a second night. He passed his hearing check, we got some help in the pumping department, because I am really worried about going back to work and having to pump for him. The pediatrician came by that morning, and weighed and looked over Ollie again. At that time he was already back up to 7lb 8oz, and nursing like a champ. We came home on Maddie's 3rd birthday, thankfully I was able to order a cake on the phone from the hospital and Geoff and my mom went to pick it up. My mom and sister bought a cute table cloth and put a banner for Maddie's birthday, and helped to make it a special day for her.

Overall I feel OK about his birth. I feel like VBACing still doesn't have the full support it could, but it went much better than the fight we had to do Maddie's birth that way! I feel like I could've done it without the drugs this time if I had been left alone, the constant monitoring made it really hard to get in the head space I needed to have a successful med free birth. I think we made the right choice in getting the epidural when we did, considering how things were going and how incredibly tired I was at that point. At any rate, I am really glad he is here and he is so loved by everyone in this family!! 

Madeleine Clare's Birth Story

WARNING: There is probably more about my body and birth than you may want to know. Proceed at your own risk! :)

The evening of my due date, February 11, Eli did NOT want to go to bed. This is unusual for him, usually by bed time the little guy is tired and ready to sleep. He fussed and procrastinated and generally was crabby about it. He said he'd miss me, which I thought was odd. I finally got him to bed and went to bed myself. I woke up at 2:30am with strong back labor. I got up, used the restroom and while I was up Eli came into our room crying that his legs hurt and he needed mama cuddles.
I was in quite a bit of pain already so I gave him so ibuprofen and some water and sent him back to bed with lots of cuddles and love from mama.
I went back to bed and tried to relax through what was already extremely strong back labor. The contractions started off right away at 1 minute long and 5 minutes apart. By 4 I was tired of timing them and rolled over, choosing to ignore them and focus on sleep. I was able to dose between them, but had to sit up or curl up and focus through them. By 5 I was unable to lay down any longer. I woke Geoff up and got in the shower. Geoff called my mom and asked her if she could come take care of Eli. I stayed in the shower until the hot water ran out and then got out and got dressed and ready for the hospital.

My mom arrived around 8 and Geoff and my mom encouraged me to call my midwife and see if she could check me. I didn't want to go in and then be told I was only a centimeter or two or worse, get to the hospital and then give them time to say I hadn't progressed enough in the right amount of time and be pressured for a section. The back labor however was so intense at this point I was having to moan through the contractions and Geoff was having to push pretty hard to offset them. Geoff was worried if I waited too long I wasn't going to be able to tolerate the car ride or worse, I'd give birth before we got there :P

I called and one of my favorite midwives was on duty. She is the picture of a hippie midwife. She grew up on a farm, birthed 7 children, cloth diapered, breast fed, just all around my kind of people. She was the right person to have by myside during this labor and delivery. She checked my cervix and declared me a 4. I had lost my mucus plug and was having lots of bloody show and she felt like I was making adequate progress to go ahead and go in to labor and delivery. I explained my concerns to her and she assured me she was on duty all night and would let me labor to my hearts content as long as baby was OK. Geoff and I headed out for the hospital, stopping at Kum and Go for a cherry limeade icee :)

Once we arrived at the hospital the nurses got me registered, asked me to change into a labor gown and wanted to hook me up to an IV and continuous monitoring. I was frustrated. How was I supposed to move this baby down and get the counter pressure I desperately needed from bed?! I asked to be left to walk around and move the baby down. They tried putting on remote monitors but couldn't keep the baby on the monitor. Maddie was fine, but as I was moving she was moving away from the monitor and they'd lose the trace. They tried probably 12 times to get her back on the monitor and had so much goop on my belly I had to discard the gown and my labor was fizzling. I broke down at this point. I wanted nothing more than to go home to my boy and my bed. I was in tears when my midwife came in and asked what was wrong. She gently cleaned up my belly for me, and told me I could go home or I could stay and get serious about birthing this baby. I told her I was serious but couldn't get in the zone because I kept being interrupted every 4 minutes by someone adjusting something. She went up and talked to the doctor (since I was a VBAC, the midwives were my primary but they had to be supervised by a doc) and got the OK to do 20 minutes of monitoring every hour. This was much more agreeable to me and I was able to get back to business. After some time on the birth ball my labor picked back up and was immediately excruciating. My midwife came in to monitor some contractions and help coach me through keeping my mouth low and open to encourage my bottom to open. She ran me a bath with some bath salts and told me to soak and relax and let the baby come down.

I got in the tub and felt like time stopped. I don't know how long I was in there, but more or less I could deal with the contractions in there. Once the water started cooling off I got out because Geoff couldn't apply counter pressure with me in the tub. My midwife commented she had rarely seen such intense back labor, even though Maddie was positioned pretty well, I felt like my spine was being smashed with a hammer through each contraction. She asked if I would like to be checked again once I got out of the tub and I agreed, wanted to get an idea of how much work I had left to do.

Around 1pm I was at 6cm and barely coping. Around 4pm she needed to monitor me again and asked if she could check me again because I was not coping well. I was barely able to hang on through continuous, long contractions. My contractions were lasting 1-2 minutes each and some were double peaking, meaning I was basically having two on top of each other. I was in tears, screaming through them. I felt like I was going to crawl up the wall, exorcist style. My midwife tried helping to encourage Maddie to rotate, as we suspected she was OP, she tried the birthing ball, massage, a hot bath, lunges. etc. Maddie would not turn.

Around 5pm I had bruises blooming across my back and Geoff's wrists ached from constantly pushing so hard against the pain. I was screaming hysterically through the pain. I asked to be checked again and was only at a 7. The nurse I had  mentioned that I had the right to pain meds if I changed my mind. I was pretty firm going in that I didn't want them. Geoff asked me to think about, because, frankly I think I was scaring him. I was texting two good friends of mine, Katie V and Katie Z, at the time and both of them encouraged me to follow what I knew to be best. I cried and cried and finally asked for the epidural. As Katie Z said "better living through pharmaceuticals".  In hindsight, I am afraid I would have had to do a c-section with Maddie if I had waited another hour or two. My body was starting to shut down. I was screaming and out of control during the contractions, vomiting and shaking, and out of my head. I tried to meditate and find my peace and I could not. The nurse pumped half a bag of fluids in me and got anesthesia up to start the epidural.

Once the anesthesiologist finally got up there I was in for the worst 10 minutes. My contractions were double peaking and coming every 3-5 minutes. I was barely holding on with intense counter pressure from Geoff and now had to hold stock-still to let him place the needle.

I expected the relief to be almost immediate. It was not. Apparently placing an epidural is not an exact science and I ended up with a "window" where it would not reach in my right side. I was now stuck, flat on my back, with a fairly good sized area in my back on the right side where I was feeling the contractions and couldn't do anything. They gave me another medicine I could push every 10 minutes to keep pumping extra meds in to counter the pain. Around 8 I was finally pretty comfortable. I got to where I was only feeling the peak of each contraction, then the peak of every 3rd or so. I continued to labor and rock my hips as best as I could to deal. After a couple of hours (? I am not sure how long, maybe 2 hours?) I had an anterior lip of cervix left around 8:30 my midwife asked if she could break my water. I consented, with much trepidation because once they broke my water with Eli, things went south fast. My bag was bulging though and she felt comfortable seeing how Maddie was doing without the sac. Maddie was a trooper! Her heart rate would accelerate with my contractions, apparently she liked it. My 10 I only had a small lip of cervix left. My midwife asked me to go ahead and try pushing and see how I did. During my next contraction I pushed. Maddie liked the pushing, but as soon as I stopped her heart rate tanked. She needed the force of the contractions apparently. At this point the epidural was hardly working and I could feel mostly everything. I had a small pocket around my cervix and bladder that was still numb. They inserted a couple different probes and catheters to internally monitor Maddie. I finally felt her turn and drop down. My midwife called the doctor because she was very concerned about Maddie's heart rate as I was pushing. The doctor came up and had me push through 6 or so more contractions, and told me if I didn't push her out they were going to have to do something else. I screamed at her that I was pushing her out!

Finally the doctor got out a small vacuum to help. I yelled NO! and asked her what the risks were and she said they were minimal at this point compared to the risk of continuing to push. I consented and in two more pushes with very minimal pressure from the vacuum, Madeleine Clare was born onto my chest at 10:59pm. I cried, and cried and couldn't believe I did it. Geoff cried too and kept telling me how proud of me he was.

Maddie pinked up pretty fast and made her way to the breast. She latched right on and nursed and nursed. They finally cut her cord and weighed and measured her. 7lbs 6oz and 20 inches long. She was here. As soon as they set her on my chest the nurse came in and said my mom and dad had just arrived and asked if they could come in. She sent my mom in and left my dad in the waiting room as they were still stitching me up, I had a 2nd degree tear that required some stitching.

I can't believe I did it.

birthy thoughts

No, R2 is not here yet. However I have had so many birthy thoughts swirling around in my head that I felt like sitting down and releasing them into the world and into God's hands would be soothing to my soul. I felt so much relief after I posted the blog post about trying to conceive this little lady, I wanted to see if writing everything out helped me focus and get ready to birth her.

Ever since Eli's peaceful, thought out, respectful but emergency cesarean birth, I have wanted to try again. I want to birth a baby the way women were designed to. I harbor no bitterness or resentment towards Eli's birth. Every step of the way I felt like my wishes were honored, respected and my voice was listened to. I believe that is all anyone can hope for in a birth, unexpected things happen all the time and that is why *I* chose to birth in the hospital, it gives me a sense of peace. Eli was delivered at PVH in Fort Collins, which is part of University Health Systems. When I discovered I was pregnant with this baby, we immediately decided to deliver at PVH's sister hospital, the brand-new, state of the art, MCR. We automatically assumed our experience would be the same, the same amazing staff, respectful environment and supportive experience that we loved so dearly with Eli. My main midwife. K, was on board with my plans to VBAC. We discussed the causes of Eli's cesarean birth (OP and asynclitic presentation, basically he was sunny side up with his ear to his shoulder and the cord wrapped around him multiple times) and we discussed how I went into labor on my own, how I progressed on my own all the way to 8cm, how I tolerated labor with no pain meds and everything was great....until it wasn't. After they broke my water with E (with my consent after stalling at 8cm for a while) his heart rate tanked. My heart rate tanked. I was blacking out, and hardly breathing on my own. My amazing doula had me turning over in bed as much as I could after we made the call to get the epidural. At that point I knew, he would be a c-section. Honestly the word brought relief to me. I knew Eli wasn't going to tolerate labor much longer. K agreed that everything surrounding Eli's birth was basically the perfect storm of things to happen to lead to a true emergency c-section. We tried everything we could, and I am grateful for modern medicine that safely brought my boy into this world.
However, this birth is different. This baby is different. And I want to try to birth her vaginally. I felt like everyone was on board, until I saw a different midwife in my practice around November. She was colder and more "interventiony" than K. This lady immediately started in on how MCR doesn't allow VBACS (I HATE that word "allow" how do you NOT allow someone to use their body for the thing it was designed to do?!!?!) and I would need to accept a repeat c-section. I was in tears. I left the appointment and called Geoff, frantic about trying to change providers and deliver at a different hospital. At my next appointment I saw K again and she reassured me it was not a big deal, we just would refuse the csection, they can't force me to have surgery if I don't want it. I have been anxious and frustrated since then. I once read in Ina May Gaskin's book that the cervix is smart, she writes about mothers who have been in active labor only to have someone enter the room, or circumstances change only to have the cervix reverse dialate and close back up. I fully believe this is where I am sitting right now.
I had not seen that midwife until last week, at my 38 week appointment. Before I get into that, I want to mention I fell at work and had to go to labor and delivery to be monitored for 4 hours, standard procedure. One of the other midwives was there and ordered a quick ultrasound to check placenta and fluid levels. The ultrasound tech came in and did a very quick ultrasound, with no real pictures of the baby except to confirm she is in fact head down and facing my back (yay).
Anyway, at my 38 week appointment I was scheduled to see that midwife again, the one who shattered my confidence earlier in my pregnancy. She came in my room, spent 3 minutes finding the heart beat, asked if I was still planning on a TOLAC (trial of labor after cesarean) and marched me up to the receptionist and ordered I meet with an OBGYN and schedule and ultrasound, because all the sudden this baby is "too big" to birth vaginally, all of this despite the fact I JUST HAD AN ULTRASOUND and I was NOT measuring large, at all. I was in shock. She starts ranting about how VBACs are dangerous and carry such a high risk of uterine rupture and how I need to be prepared to not have one in case R2 is too big.
In shock I made the appointments as directed and left, feeling defeated and scared. I called Geoff and relayed all of this to him, in tears. His response was perfect, basically he said "eff that, you do what you want".
I debated it, talked briefly with an old friend about it, and decided to cancel the ultrasound. I felt like the entire purpose of it was to give them a reason to tell me I couldn't attempt a VBAC.
I kept the appointment with the doctor though, as it is in fact hospital policy. I had that appointment on Wednesday this week, at 39 weeks pregnant I dragged Eli with me to meet the doc.
I had already decided I was going to refuse a vaginal exam because I have heard of doctors stripping membranes or breaking water without asking and I did NOT want to give anyone the chance. Not to mention I was extremely uncomfortable with the situation and didn't want someone I just met sticking their hand up my hoo-ha! The nurse was annoyed that I refused to undress and immediately called the doctor in. The doctor was pushy and rude, and kept saying she couldn't tell if I was a good candidate for a VBAC without checking my pelvis for physical anomalies. I politely stood my ground and refused the exam. I tried to explain my reasoning but was cut off everytime I started talking. I was humiliated and frustrated. The doctor then pulled out the form for me to sign to consent to the VBAC. I basically signed a waiver saying that even though there is >1% chance of uterine rupture (the same chance of uterine rupture in a NON VBAC is labor is induced or augmented with pitocin) that I had to accept all risk and responsibility. The doctor wasted no time going into a long diatribe about all the graphic and terrible things that could happen to me and my baby.
I am not even in labor and they're playing the dead baby card. I finally said "I understand, can I sign and go?"
The doctor admitted I sounded like I had done my research and she didn't see any reason I shouldn't at least try to VBAC.
So here I sit, at 39w1d (Eli was born at 38w6d), as pregnant as I have ever been, scared to go into labor because I feel like I am walking into a fire fight as soon as I step foot into that hospital. Its a frustrating and scary feeling. I don't have my heart 100% set on a VBAC in the sense that I am going to be crushed if it doesn't happen, but I would like to feel supported and trusted that my body can, or might be able to, or at least not doubted until there is a reason to doubt. I strongly feel like Eli's birth was a fluke, a weird circumstance, and a perfect storm of weird situations that aligned for him to be born via cesarean. I don't feel like its my only option, I don't feel like I have no choice, I don't feel like I am doomed to fail. I do not want my baby cut out and removed from me like a tumor. I want to labor, and birth her. If, for some reason, circumstances dictate otherwise, I will relent and consent to other options, but we don't know that yet. I just want to be trusted to try.

I spoke with a lovely mama friend on the phone a night or two ago and she prayed for peace over me and this baby, and for this baby girl to come in her perfect time with the perfect people in the room. I am offering that prayer up to God now. I am ready, I am trying to be ready anyway, for this baby girl to come in her perfect time and in her perfect way. I am praying the midwife on duty when I get there is the right one with the knowledge and skill to help me deliver the way that God intends. I am also praying I know exactly the right moment to leave for the hospital, as my own mama has to drive 2 hours to get here to take care of Eli. I am trying very hard to shake off the fear and doubt and worry that I am feeling right now and prepare my mind, soul and body to do its work. Geoff and I made the call the tomorrow will by my last day of work. I am doubting that decision now as I physically feel like I could work through Wednesday (my due date) next week, but believe it is the right choice for us because now I can use any time I have to rest and relax and mediate on this sweet baby girl. I am terrified, I feel like someone is going to jump out at any time now and yell "April Fools! No baby for you!" Like this was all some sick joke. I am trying to let go of the doubt and face the reality that I *can* and will have this baby sometime soon.
If you are the praying kind, and you have read this far, please pray for my birth, Pray that R2 comes in God's perfect time, and in God's perfect way. Pray that this fear and doubt that is plaguing me disappears and I am strong and capable. Pray that we know the exact time to leave for the hospital and the perfect people to be with me in the room when I deliver. I surrender all of this to God's hands.

Over halfway there!

We are more than halfway through this pregnancy. whew. I am cautiously getting excited, up til this point I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop...I kept waiting for someone to jump out and yell "Surprise! April Fool's! No baby for you!"

Finding out the gender this weekend helped :) In case you haven't heard yet, its a girl!!
Not finding out right away helped me to feel more connected with this baby too, because I realized that I KNEW she was a girl.

Geoff and I are very excited to have a girl. I can't wait to spoil a girl as much as I spoiled my boy. I am a little more reserved about raising a girl, it feels more overwhelming than raising a boy. I can't wait to see Eli and Daddy moon over her. Eli has wanted a sister since the moment he found out we were pregnant. He was been adamant its a girl. The last week or so he's wavered, but I think that is more because people assume he must want a brother, so they have been asking him "do you want a brother? You want a boy baby, right?" etc. Needless to say, he's very excited for his sister. We are getting read to paint and set up the nursery, I realized today I am almost 22 weeks (over halfway) and we have nothing done! haha.

Luckily, we don't need a lot. The following list is more a thought-process for me...not a request for anyone to do anything.
In my estimation we need:
24 prefolds
an ikea crib
dresser or changing table
and, of course, baby clothes :)
I think we are going to go with the Chicco Nextfit carseat. My friend Dani is the owner of an amazing cloth diaper store in Colorado Springs, and its one of her favorite carseats for littles. I trust the woman's judgement on these sorts of things! :)
and that's about it!
We are going to paint HER room tiffany blue, and do white furniture and either coral or yellow accents. I can't wait.

18 weeks :)

I am 18 weeks today! Yay! I have a check up on Friday, hopefully we can schedule my 20 week ultrasound. We'd like to get the ultrasound right before Eli's birthday because we would like to do a gender reveal after Eli's birthday. My plan is to have his party, have family stay for lunch, then go back to our house and have a box waiting for Eli to open with either pink or blue balloons in it. When he opens it up, the balloons fly out, and Surprise! Everyone knows what R2 is!

I am feeling much better, I have stopped throwing up for the most part, thankfully!
I still have not gained any weight, which is awesome because I don't need to gain more than 15 pounds or so, so I am hoping to save that til trimester 3 if I can. I have started getting a bit more hungry, but as long as I eat a small snack every 2 hours or so, I stay pretty stable at work. I have had to go to bed at 9:30 or so every night in order to function the next day, as I get up at 5:45-6ish every morning.

We are still debating on names, I think we are going to keep the name quiet until after R2 is born, we kinda did that with Eli, but not on purpose, we just weren't 100% sure yet. We are super indecisive and probably won't know until we see his/her face anyway.

I'll update more after my appt on Friday :)

Eli is back in full swing of preschool. He LOVES preschool! Its kind of expensive, but I am glad we moved him over to ECU. He has great teachers who seem to "get" him and they definitely challenge him everyday. He has great friends there and loves going everyday. We have to put his tired baby butt to bed at 7:30 every night so he can get up in the morning.

Geoff is still slaving away at Wal-mart. His official title is "assistant manager" but should probably be "Wal-mart B*tch" because that's what he is. He is scheduled 50 hours a week, but works closer to 60. He is working on figuring out a plan to go back to school, so hopefully that pans out and he can finish his degree and find a job that is satisfying for him. We are, of course, grateful he is gainfully employed, but it is hard to see him so frustrated with work.

That's pretty much it for the Robinson Family. We are looking forward to cooler weather, Eli's birthday, and the holidays right around the corner!

I'm PREGNANT!!

So, I don't know if releasing all of that (see my last post) out into the world and into God's hands made the difference, or if it was a combination of prayer, the vitamins and supplements I was taking or what...but we're expecting baby #2 (affectionately known as R-2) February 11. The next two paragraphs are probably more info than some of you want to know, if you want to skip the cycle info and when and what I did to get pregnant, skip down to paragraph 4!

In my last blog post, I thought I was 8DPO. It seems like I tried to ovulate, then didn't, then ovulated a week later than I thought. This means when I thought I was 8DPO I was actually 1. I was getting ready to call my midwife for a prescription of Provera to start a new cycle, since this cycle seemed to be dragging on and on. I took vitex from CD 1-25, didn't ovulate, and stopped taking it. I started taking Fertilaid and metformin on CD 25-60. I stopped both when I realized I was pregnant.

I thought I ovulated on CD 35 (average cycles are 28-35 days) and tested on CD 44-BFN.
I started using progesterone on day 42, because I suspected a luteal phase defect, then actually ovulated on CD 42. I tested on CD 44, 46, 47, 50, and 53. At this point I should've been 11 DPO and been able to get a positive test, which did not happen. I kept getting negatives. The evening of our anniversary, my chest was very sore and I didn't feel well. Both symptoms of PMS. The next night my back hurt, and I was ready to just give up and start over. I was 18 DPO and frustrated. Geoff was on his way home from work so I decided to take a test (my last one!) and then call the doctor in the morning for Provera to start a new cycle once I was sure I was not pregnant. Imagine my surprise when I was!! Unfortunately, I started spotting almost the next day. We called my midwife and she got me in for threatened miscarriage. She thought I was farther along than I actually was, so we did an ultrasound. Imagine my sweet relief when we found the tiny heart beat on the ultra sound. A few days later I started passing small amounts of grey tissue and the bleeding increased. Geoff stayed home from work one day to go with me because again, we thought we lost the baby. The ultrasound never revealed a reason for the bleeding, and my midwife couldn't tell me for sure. One theory is possibly there were twins and we lost one, but we'll probably never know. We had a regular check-up at 10 weeks and my midwife was able to get the heart beat on the doppler. There has never been a sweeter sound than hearing that galloping heart beat.

I told Geoff the night after our anniversary, we had waited too long for me not to tell him right away :)
Eli and I had already made his father's day card, which had Darth on the front, and said "Dad, you are my father" and Yoda inside and it said "Yoda  best dad ever". I crossed out "my" and wrote "our" then I put the test inside. Then I told him I am sorry I gave you something for father's day that I peed on. :)

I am so excited about this child, the timing could not have been better. We just moved into a beautiful new house, its a 3 bed 2 bath ranch with full unfinished basement. I'll post house pictures later. The due date for this baby is mid-February, which allows me to take the rest of the school year off, unpaid, and return to work in August. We made a bit of money in the sale of our condo, which should be enough for me to stay home from Feb-August. I am so excited to begin putting this little person's room together and get ready for baby.

Right now we are planning a hospital VBAC, I had a great hospital experience last time and totally and completely felt like I was supported, respected, and treated with dignity, even though E's birth ended up in a cesarean. Geoff is much more comfortable with VBACing at the hospital instead of at home, so we will do that. I am going to start seeing a chiropractor soon, and hope that will help me and baby stay in better alignment and more ready for birth.

For now, we wait and pray and hope this baby continues to grow and thrive and we get to meet our little R2 in Feb!

6 years ago...

I couldn't really decide on what to get Geoff this year. Money is tight, my last day of school with kids was yesterday, he's working, blah blah blah. Always with the busy life stuff. So I sat down at the computer while Eli was napping, and came across this cute card on Pinterest that said "Today I have loved you..." I loved the idea. But I lack a cricut machine, a wooden block and the patience to procure either. I typed it up, and thought "well that looks dumb! Its black letters on a sheet of computer paper!" So I started adding pictures...and Voila! Its done! 

Heartbroken

I have been debating this blog post for over 3 months and finally feel like I need to the release of writing it. Geoff and I have been trying for over 2 years to conceive our second child and.....nothing. I just cannot get pregnant. Every month I hope and pray and chart and take vitamins and hope and pray some more. And still, nothing happens. Without TMIing all of you, I have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) which means my body tries to ovulate, then the egg doesn't release and I don't. However, since Eli's birth I have had fairly regular cycles. My midwife basically told me its because I am too fat. That was heart breaking to hear, as I weigh the EXACT SAME as when I got pregnant with E and I only gained 11 pounds my ENTIRE pregnancy. I am not denying I have weight to lose, I don't think that's the only issue. I think the reason I can't get pregnant is because when I found out I was pregnant with Eli I freaked out. Like FREAKED OUT***. I was hysterical, trying to figure out if I could make myself miscarry or give him up. I am so ashamed now. It breaks my heart to think I ever, even if just for a few moments, didn't want that boy. So now, maybe I am being punished and that's why I can't conceive. I guess I get what I deserve. All I know, is right now, at 8DPO, I am heartbroken with a negative pregnancy test in hand. I know its not too late this cycle, but it seems like it is never going to happen. So there is my confession, do with it what you will.
***edited to add, when I found out I was pregnant with Eli I was in my last semester of college, hating my job, and had been just accepted to grad school. I didn't think there was any way Geoff and I could care for a child. I don't hate babies (obviously) I just didn't think we should have one if we couldn't take care of him/her the way they deserved***

are you effing kidding me?

Grrr... I weighed in after week 1 (we weigh in on Mondays, so this was almost 3 weeks ago I think?)
and had lost 9lbs. It just melted off. That was the one week I was 100% of the whole30. That weight has stayed off, but I've only lost 2 more pounds since then. I am OVER.IT. I am going to go back to 100% grain free, dairy free this week. I am not going to sweat a bit of soy or hidden sugars here or there....but $*#@$(#(% I can't do this 1/2 a pound at a time. I have picked up my work outs to at least 3-4 a week, with a mix of cardio and weights. My poor, stupid, right foot has been in agony due to plantar facitis.... which the swelling of the tendons in the bottom of the foot and causes intense pain and makes it excruciatingly difficult to work out effectively. I can't run, jog or sprint. I can't even walk for cardio, I can barely get through my regular day of walking :( It has made working out a bit more challenging. My darling friend and her husband both work at University and he is the gym teacher/coach for the high school. Thankfully, they have graciously invited me to go work out with them and I have learned a lot about getting cardio in through circuit training and stations etc. That is probably my best priority for the next few weeks until my foot heals. I can't believe I haven't lost more weight than this. Its getting ridiculously frustrating and I am losing patience.

Back to the best combination whole30 I can scrap together this week.

IN other news- school has been ROUGH this week. I have a student in the hospital with some serious mental health issues. I adore this student and am worried about them. I have their sibling in advising as well and I can see the stress in the younger student.  I don't know how to reach out and help this student overcome these kinds of issues...there is a good chance the student will be out for the rest of the year. I have another student whom we just got on an IEP for academic struggles and now the student is having significant behavior issues in addition to academic issues. Its hard to see a kid struggle that much. I keep hearing I need to learn to leave work at work, but its hard to do.

I can honestly say I am ready for summer and sun and all things hot. (cue Olaf)
I can't wait to sleep in til 7:30, and then spend the rest of the day hanging out with Little Man.
I am hoping that will give me some extra time to focus on healthier eating and continue working out. We have a lot of big changes heading our way, we are selling our condo in the next few weeks, and then going to be looking to buy a house. I can NOT wait to be out of the rental. We have enjoyed living here, but I am ready for a place to call my own. I hate the feeling of being somewhere temporarily, the whole time we've lived here I have had it in the back of my mind that its not permanent, don't get too settled in, we're not staying. I hope the condo sells fast, we find the perfect home and we the move goes smoothly. Pray the condo sells very fast :)

That's all that is new in the Robinson house.... except this gem from Eli...
The other night I asked him what he wanted to be when he grows up. His response? "A carrot"
whatever that means :)

Do you have big plans for Mother's Day?

The end of the beginning.

Bleh. I "finished" my whole 30 a whopping 13 days into it and am still pretty disappointed. I wish I could've kept going, I was starting to feel good and felt like it was working. But, sometimes life just doesn't go the way you want it to. I am going to try to keep up the spirit of the whole30 and if eat any grain at all, I am going to strive to have it be before lunch with the exception of rice which is gluten free. I noticed a huge increase in sugar cravings and carb cravings when I stopped the whole30 and had just a little off-plan foods. I think the trick for me is all or nothing, if I don't ever allow myself to "cheat" on my plan then I never open the door to massive binges of sugar and grain laden fare. I only lost 1 pound or so this week, but after having lost 9 the week before, I guess that makes sense. I am at that point where I am getting tired of eating healthy and not really seeing the results yet. I am going to keep it up though, I don't want to be sitting here a year from now wishing I had just kept it up and weighed 80lbs less. That's about what I have to lose, 80lbs. Possibly more, depending on how it goes. I heard once that the first 20 are the hardest, if that's the case, I am half way there!
On the menu this week-eggs for breakfast (always) and maybe a SMALL smoothie with spinach, fruit and coconut milk
lunch-salads, hummus and carrots, an apple, maybe some chicken (although it is Tuesday and I am OUT of salad already!) the rest of the week will be carrots and hummus and left overs
dinners-Monday and Tuesday round steak, pan fried with brown rice (or mashed potatoes) and peas
Tuesday-cracklin chicken thighs and sauteed green beans
Wednesday-ground beef stir fry with whatever veggies are left in the fridge (carrots, cabbage, green beans, peas) with cauli-rice
Thursday-Thanksgiving meatballs (recipe from my favorite paleo cookbook!) and sweet potato souffle (from my favorite blogger-Shaye Ellliot
Friday-advising movie night, I will probably treat myself to a slice of pizza and then eat fruit and veggies instead of snacks :)
This weekend will be interesting because we are supposed to go down to the Springs for my niece's 6th birthday. Its hard to behave at my parents house :)

day 13....and the end?

I havent posted much this week. The week itself was insanely busy, I did a cake for a friend's shower on Monday.
Tuesday I went to with the 8th grader choir to "sing to the elders" we walked down to a local retirement/assisted living home and they sang a few songs to the people who lived there. They are a talented group!
Wednesday and Thursday we had CMAS testing at school (because, ya know, TCAP is not enough)
not enough testing!!)
Friday we had a 6th grade field trip. All of these trips and testing are messing up my teaching schedule.
I made it through the week ok, cooking dinner and packing my lunch until Friday. We left the school at 10:30 and walked over to the park,  which was fun for the kids but a problem for me. I usually (always) pack leftovers and heat them up at school. We were out of leftovers, and I couldnt bring a sandwich or anything else like that....I ended up with fruit and carrots and a boiled egg.

I was frustrated and hungry by the time I got home.

Saturday morning Geoff and I were trying to figure out meals for the week because we are on a super tight budget because we are doing the Dave Ramsey method for getting out of debt. I was in tears because we needed to buy cat food and cat litter and lunch stuff for Eli and so on and so forth. The Whole 30 is many things, but it is NOT cheap. Geoff asked me to please make some exceptions because our budget cannot sustain the required restrictions. For example, I was going to buy a bottle of coconut aminos (a soy sauce substitute) to make stir fry for lunches this week. Well a bottle is $6-8 at Sprouts. We only had $85 left after buying cat supplies this week....so thats upwards of  10% of our grocery budget. I just cant afford to continue.

I am going to have to go off-plan and go rogue. I am going to still eliminate all refined sugars, but not worry about sugar in meat products like bacon or sausage. I am going to eliminate all wheat, but eat minimal amounts of rice and corn (its amazing how much farther stir-fry goes with rice!!) etc. I looked up a bunch of tips and thoughts from Mark Sission who is one of the fathers of the paleo movement and am following his ideas as best as possible. i am going to restrict my dairy intake, but not worry about trace amounts of dairy or soy in things. I don't think I have any issues with legumes and believe if eaten correctly they can be a good source of nutrients, so I plan on reintroducing those first. I am very disappointed with my failure, but need to do what is best for my family. Sigh,
I hope I continue to see results with the addendum to the plan. So far I have lost 9lbs (as of last monday)

Whole 30 check in-Day 7 and Easter

Blurry but smiley picture of Eli on Easter 2014

Easter 2014

I am on Day 7 of the Whole30...or Day 1. I (stupidly) and distractedly put a finger full of frosting in my mouth last night without thinking....I was finishing up a shower cake for a friend and just went with old habits. The Whole30 is pretty strict about any sugar making an impact so I guess I am starting over. Its not a big deal, I am planning on Whole30ing through the rest of the school year, I'd like to avoid the end of the year goodies that inevitably come with it. Its been tricky the last couple of days, we had Easter at my parents house and ended up going out for steaks. The moment of truth came when the server brought out plates of shiner bock bread, cheese fries, onion straws and fried shrimp. All of that was followed by everyone else's salads. (I chose to have asparagus instead of a salad). I made it through and ate my steak and dry sweet potato and asparagus, and was surprised by how delicious it was!! I left there full, but satisfied. I didn't feel bloated or exhausted after eating, and it was nice.

Cake for Lindsay's Wedding shower

Other moments of temptation followed, for example today we had a faculty-workday. Some of the teachers were asked to bring breakfast for everyone and there were tables laden with donuts, sweet rolls, cookies, brownies, yogurt, granola, cinnamon rolls and more. I chose a spinach and egg crustless quiche, and some fruit. At lunch we had a wedding shower for one of the teachers, complete with taco bar and dark chocolate raspberry cake made by yours truly. I had lettuce with taco meat (seasoned by me so it was Whole30 compliant!) and a spoonful of guac and salsa. It was actually satisfying! I haven't felt super deprived or like I am lacking this time. That was a huge issue for me last time. I felt like I had to eat boring, dry, tasteless food. This time I have found amazing paleo, compliant food options and felt like I have never eaten better in my life.

On the menu this week:
leftover paleo chili
mustard glazed chicken thighs with sauteed green beans finished with lemon
beef barbacoa with braised cabbage
cumin crusted pork chops with sweet potatoes
ribeyes with whatever veggies I have left! haha.

I am excited to take leftover in my lunch this week :)

All of this has pushed Geoff and I outside of our comfort zone in a lot of ways and challenged what we typically eat. I feel so much more satisfied with more veggies on our plate, and with more diversity in our menu each week. I think it is good for Eli too, as he is being exposed to new flavors and textures all the time. So far the only thing he is not crazy about is cabbage.

I have lost 3% of my body weight so far (we have to weigh in for Biggest Loser)

Whole 30

SO if you follow me on facebook you know I recently started a Whole 30...as of yesterday. haha, its the second one I have done, having completed my first one in October last year. I am hoping this will be the start of a  new me. Over the past year or so I have really focused on cleaning up my eating and trying to work out a bit more.

Goals: to lose weight, and break the bad food cycle

We are doing a Biggest Loser competition at school and I am on a team with two other fabulous teachers. I know those ladies are going to bust their butts to help us win and I do NOT want to be the reason we fail. I need to step it up! Strictly speaking, the scale is NOT to be a part of the Whole 30 but since I am doing the Biggest Loser at the same time, its going to have to be. Last time I lost 22lbs and felt great, I of course, did not keep that 22lbs off and am at my all time highest weight. Fail. I am going to do better and keep it off this time by sticking to the Whole 30 lifestyle 95% after this. I will likely add dairy back in first and see how I do, because I love dairy and don't suspect an issue. I have known I have grain issues for a while and will NOT be adding grains back in at all, barring special occasions. I will also leave sugar out because I know sugar messes up my hormone levels (insulin, and others as a by-product)  due to PCOS so its off the table as well after this. Depending on how I feel, I may do another Whole 30 right after this one with my lovely friend Katie :) She inspired me to do it the first time and I would love to do another one with her!!

So that's where I am now. I will try to post reflections and recipes as I get through more days of the Whole 30.

Favorite recipes today-sunshine sauce from theclothesmakethegirl.com try it!!
I had it on butter lettuce with chicken, carrots and sunflower seeds today, seriously made my lunch.
Other favorite recipes, homemade larabars, which is just 2:1 ratio of dates to cashews, almonds or something like that. You can add in dried fruit if you'd like as well. I just rolled mine into balls because I had slightly too many nuts and they weren't sticky enough.

If you want more information on the Whole 30 itself,  check out http://www.whole30.com/

 Day 1 went great, no complaints.

Day 2 so far has been OK too...however I have had a bad headache most of the day. It could be I am really tired, it could be lack of caffeine (coffee is allowed I just haven't had any) or it could be I forgot my water bottle today! I did manage to go walk for 30 minutes with Lindsay and did arms today. I felt a lot of muscle fatigue today, but so did Lindsay and she is not doing the  Whole 30. I have not been super hungry today either, but did need a snack after the gym.

Day 3 I took today off to spend some time with the hubs. I was afraid a non-routine day would be really difficult to navigate, but we did great!! We went out for breakfast, which can be difficult to do, but I had eggs and meat and fruit and it was perfect. I have adjusted to drinking coffee with no cream or sugar in it and that is just fine! I was NOT very hungry today at all, and ended up eating breakfast, an apple and dinner. Dinner was amazing!! I think my mindset the first time was awful...I had convinced myself that healthy CANNOT equal tasty. For whatever reason,  tasty, delicious, exciting food=bad
Tonight I worked on redoing my thinking on that. I have a great paleo cookbook, that I LOVE. Its called Practical Paleo and I made the sweet potato "pancakes" and jalapeno burgers and cauliflower tots. We had the burgers with butter lettuce, avocado slices and homemade mayo. Best dinner I have had in a while. Its very satisfying to eat dinner, then be full but not bloated or feel sick. Back to the gym tomorrow!

Day 4 I am not really tired or hungry today. Its been hard to find food to eat today that I want, I am just not that hungry. I had some coffee earlier and it made me kinda woozy. I had to TMI....RUN to the bathroom because I couldn't handle the coffee. Definitely side effects of the whole 30. It happens.
I had eggs for brekkie, watermelon, half a jalapeño burger and a sweet potato pancake (like a hash brown..?) for lunch and a small cup of chili and the rest of the guacamole and some sweet potato has for dinner. I also managed about 64 oz of water today, which is part of my biggest loser challenge. I didn't manage any exercise today because I forgot I told my coworker I would do homework help after school. On the flip side of that I got caught up on all my grading and I got all my grades entered! I needed to do that for my own sanity, so now I can focus on lesson planning and hanging with little man this weekend. In family news-we are in the middle of getting stuff done for the house so we can buy something :)

Doing Well

Great-Grandma, Eli and Mama

Just a quick post to say we are doing well in the Robinson Family. We just got back from Spring Break and spent a couple glorious days in Missouri with Geoff's awesome Grandparents. They are amazing. His grandpa is 81 years old and his grandma is 77 and they get up early every morning and hit the road running. It was awesome to be out there and just enjoy the quiet. They live on 5 acres in Missouri and its quiet and peaceful out there. Eli LOVES his great-grandparents, so he was a VERY happy camper. He did fantastic on the drive out there and back, he watched DVDs and ate twizzlers with mama and daddy.
In other news-we are doing AWESOME with Dave Ramsey's financial plan. We paid off our car 9 months early! yaya! So excited.

At Cabellas

Great-Grandpa and Eli

TBR 2014 book list

So a friend of mine is doing this "TBR 2014" book list challenge...and I was intrigued. I went digging and you have to read 12 books in the year that have been on your "to-read" list for at least a year. I am not going to do the linking thing and then the reposting...too lazy for that. But I do like the idea of trying to get through 12 books that I have been meaning to read!

http://roofbeamreader.com/2013/11/27/announcing-the-2014-tbr-pile-challenge/
The Goal: To finally read 12 books from your “to be read” pile (within 12 months).

Here are my 12 books.
1. Lord of the Rings-JRR Tolkien
2. Two Towers-JRR Tolkien
3. Fellowship of the Rings-JRR Tolkien
4. Pride and Prejudice-Jane Austen
5. Fahrenheit 451-Ray Bradbury
6. Sweet Tooth-Ian McEwan
7. Les Miserables-Victor Hugo
8.The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Society-Annie Burrows
9.Adventures of Tom Sawyer-Mark Twain
10.Sherlock Holmes-Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
11.The Joy Diet-Martha Beck
12.Charolettes Web-EB White
alternates
Wuthering Heights-Jane Austin
The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane-Kate DiCamillo

Looking Back and Looking Ahead

I know its cliche, but I love writing a New Years post, for nothing else, its a place for ME to go back and read what was going on in summary and to see if I did in fact achieve the goals I laid out for myself in the coming year. Today is almost the last day of 2013, and wow....has 2013 been a year. Here's a wrap up of what went down.
January-I hate my job, Geoff decides he can't do school anymore.
Feb-I don't remember
March-Geoff turned 26. We formally decided to start "trying" to have a baby.
April-I was non-renewed (sorta fired) from my job, which I hated anyway. I still cried like a baby.
May-School wrapped up, I started interviewing and applying everywhere!! I got the job at University!
June-we celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary. Geoff got promoted to be an assistant manager and left for training.

Cheyenne Frontier Days-7/2013

Red Feather 8/2013

July-Geoff spent this whole month in Denver, training for his new position, Eli and I traveled to Galveston, TX with my mom and spent a week on the beach. It was fun!!
August-I started my new job, Geoff started his. We also got to go camping at Red Feather and it was the best family vacation we've ever had!
September-We decided to change Eli's daycare situation for a lot of reasons

Pumpkin Farm 10/2013

October-Eli turned 3. Geoff and I went through some very difficult times in our marriage.
November-I turned 27, we celebrated Thanksgiving with my parents

After Mass 12/2013

December-my parents came up for Christmas Day

So here we are. Big things on the horizon for the Robinson Family this year are (in no particular order): trying to have a baby, buying a house, maybe moving out of Northern Colorado, becoming debt free.

We are praying and considering what to do in terms of housing for next year. Our lease here is up in August, and while we have enjoyed the house we are in, we absolutely do not want to stay here. The house is way to big for the 3 of us and we do NOT want a room mate again. We are paying a lot more than I would like as well. Since neither of us are in school anymore, we are not specifically tied to one place. We are in the process of praying and considering the best place for us to live. Both Geoff's and my family are in Colorado Springs and we both would like to be geographically closer to our parents. However, we both have jobs up here that we LOVE. I absolutely love my school and my job. I enjoy the other teachers, the students, the administration is very supportive, I love everything about it. I think that would be hard to replace and give up if we were to move. Geoff is up for a promotion in August, and could apply for a promotion in the Springs, however August is much too late for me to apply for jobs in the Springs. He could move laterally into his same position to the Springs, but that would delay his promotion a year. I don't feel like him giving up the chance to be promoted is a good move for us, as a promotion at this point would mean more money and less crappy hours. There is a lot to consider. In addition, I am TIRED of moving!! I have moved 8 times or so in the last 7 years. I am tired of it!!! I am ready to settle in somewhere and be there for a while. We have some time to consider what our options are.

On the baby note-if it ever happens, I'll let you know.

On the debt-free note, we are doing Dave Ramsey's plan. I have several friends who have done it and loved it, and Geoff and I are in need of a money-makeover. We are doing OK, but there is always room for improvement. We are working on becoming debt free, this year's goal is all personal debt (Car, credit card, personal line of credit, etc.) and building an emergency fund. Next will be tackling student debt, then I would like to save to put Geoff through the rest of his schooling with cash. A tall order, but we can do it together.

On a more personal note, I am continuing the goal I have had for the past 4 months of continuing to get in better shape. I am in the process of giving up wheat/gluten entirely. I may eventually have to give up grain altogether but for now, I am giving up wheat. There are a lot of reasons, one is I have PCOS and that makes it VERY difficult to lose weight and get pregnant. I would very much like a sibling for E, so if wheat/gluten is the key to that, then so be it. I have also been struggling with skin break-outs, exhaustion, etc. I want to work out and lose weight that way, but I have been so tired its hard to find time. I am hoping cleaner eating will give me the boost I need to continue on my healthier lifestyle journey.

What are your goals for 2014?

Here comes Halloween!

Halloween is just around the corner, folks. I can't believe its already here. School has been amazing. I LOVE my job. My students are fantastic, they are motivated to learn and have been taught to be polite, respectful and see the value of their own education. My 6th graders are learning about world populations and globalization, its fun to see them try to figure out how we are all connected and how we rely so much on other countries. My 7th graders are currently learning about Egypt. I LOVE teaching Egypt! I love how they can't quite figure out how or why the Egyptians did things... they try to take Egypt and stuff it into their own limited understanding of the world. I had them write their names in hieroglyphics and it was awesome. We illustrated an Egyptian fairy tale, we've watched a video of a person being mummified, its been so rewarding to get to know these individuals who are our future world leaders. This year has been very refreshing and has reminded me why I went into teaching.

Of course-there are still challenges and struggles. I am having a difficult time staying on a strict diet and making it to the gym. Geoff's new schedule has presented its own set of challenges and has been hard to get around. Its hard when he works 12-10 on my day off. Eli misses his dad at night most days because Geoff doesnt get off until 6 or 10 depending on the day. Our days off haven't overlapped much lately, and it sucks. I miss my husband. I find myself staying up late to spend time with him and then I am exhausted the next day. We are working hard though to build up our relationship to get through the rough times :) We are currently 3/4 of the way done with our 30 days of no spending. We have not been grocery shopping since October 3, except to buy eggs, milk, butter, and apples. We did splurge the other day because Geoff had cash and we went to Chili for dinner. We also got Starbucks one day as a "mini date" because we found ourselves with an Eli free hour :) I don't really count that as spending. As a result we have been able to pay off a medical bill that had been hanging over our heads! We are trying to use Dave Ramsay's debt snowball principle to eliminate unwanted debt. Its been useful so far, but we have only paid off one debt too. I think in the next 1.5-2 years we will be debt free (minus student loans)! That is exciting. I can't imagine not having a car payment, credit card payment, etc. Only utilities, house payment, food, childcare. It will be awesome.

The other big thing in our lives is we have decided we would like to have another baby at some point sooner than later. I have been diagnosed with PCOS but recently went to the doctor and had a full blood panel done. I started a new med to help get things under control and am trying very hard to stick to a very low carb diet because insulin intolerance is part of PCOS. We are not going to do anything more drastic right now to aid in that process. I am excited to add a squishy to our family at some point though :)

Eli is doing amazing as well, he started a new preschool at the beginning of October and he LOVES IT!
Here is a video of him singing a song he learned there.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1MGApdUofuc

Baaaacck to schooooooool.....(in your best Billy Madison voice)

Oh, where to begin? Its been approximately 2 months since my last blog post and there is a lot going on in the Robinson Family (as always).

I got a job! In my last post I mentioned I had interviewed and was waiting to hear back from a charter school, well I got the job! I am the new 6th,7th,8th grade teacher at University Schools. Its a charter school here in Greeley that started out as a lab school which was connected to the University of Northern Colorado. It has since grown and we are actually getting a new middle school this fall. The awesome part about that is I will get to help open and establish the new building. We are getting all new furniture, equipment, SMART boards and so on. I am very excited. I am also looking forward to my new schedule. Its a block schedule, so I will be teaching one 90 minute section of each grade a day, then repeat on the next day. I can not wait to have 90 minute classes and only teach each lesson twice (once a day). Planning shouldn't be too much of a hassle either, considering I get a 60 minute plan and I can repeat each lesson once before moving on. The biggest challenge will being prepped for all three grades, but I hope I can get into a rhythm and not have to stress over it. I am also VERY excited about being able to collaborate with my peer teachers. I am working with, what I think, will be an amazing, intelligent, dedicated group of women who were so warm and inviting to me at my interview. I really feel comfortable and happy to be starting at University.

In other news, Geoff just finished up an 8 week training program for a promotion! He is now an assistant manager at Wal-mart, he moved down to the south store, but is still here in Greeley. He had to do an 8 week training in Denver and we missed him SO MUCH!! He was able to come home on the weekends, but still, Eli and I were miserable with out him. Along with his new title, he got a pay raise, which makes up for the small pay cut I took in moving jobs. It is also very likely that he will be eligible for a promotion in one year, which would mean he could be a shift manager and that would be a very large pay raise. Wal-mart is building a new store in Windsor, which is only about 20 minutes from where we live and it should be opening this time next year...so fingers crossed that Geoff can land that store! It would be a great opportunity for our family. Of course, as the old saying goes, if you want to make God laugh-tell him your plans.

As a family, we are trying to focus less on our own desires and more on what God has for us. That has been a huge theme for me this summer! I have really had to let go of my own expectations and realize that happiness is a choice, and that God can fulfill me in all things if I give him the chance. Geoff has had some similar soul-searching this summer through an unlikely source-his schooling. He made the decision earlier this year to drop out of CSU and pursue online education. It was a very difficult, painstaking, and heartbreaking decision for him to come to, but we feel it was the right choice for him and for our family as a whole. He is almost done with his first semester through Regis University and he has been so much happier and more successful! He is taking a required class right now, titled "Leading Lives That Matter" and through this course he has had to really take a step back and evaluate who he is and who he wants to be in terms of his live choices and being a good husband and father. He has really grown a lot and we have been able to rededicate ourselves to each other and to being the kind of spouses and parents that we need to be.

One other big change for us, we have started making the switch to a whole-foods approach. I am sick and tired of being fat and out of shape. I bought a cookbook that has been very inspiring, its call "From Scratch" and its amazing. I am terrified of what this lifestyle change might mean for me, and I am terrified of eating whole milk, real bacon, real butter, soaked grains and fermented foods. I am scared of fats. I have been indoctrinated into a society where fat=bad and low carb=good. I am not having any success on my stupid low carb, low fat diet though, so a 100% whole food approach it is. In case you don't know what  a "whole foods approach" is, its eating from scratch. If your great-grandparents wouldn't know what it is or where it came from, don't eat it. Its real food. Its chicken thighs, bone broth, lots of veggies cooked in butter, whole milk, pastured eggs, pastured beef. Its NOT processed, packaged or boxed. I am concerned with how this is going to work with me going back to work in a week or so, but I am dedicated and determined to make it happen. I will have to set aside time to make bone broth (stock) and bread, I will have to be conscientious about what I chose to pack in my lunch. I bought a fridge for my classroom, so hopefully between cold options and my thermos, I can bring real, healthy, left overs to work everyday! I have made 3 loaves of bread so far and LOVED them. I have sourdough starter bubbling away on my cabinet, I have sourdough crackers proofing in my kitchen, and I have milk kefir and pickles fermenting in mason jars in the kitchen. I am scared of doing all this, but more afraid not to. Geoff and I have always agreed that we wanted to teach Eli to be a good eater and to eat a healthy, varied diet. Well, he's now almost 3 and eats almost anything we put in front of him. However, its beyond time to start instilling that in every aspect of our lives and doing the best we can for him and for us. I also am going to try out a gym for a few weeks and see if I can make that a regular part of my routine. Geoff and I are commited to walking as much as possible, but with his new schedule (3 on, 3 off and 8-8 shifts) and winter coming, it might be difficult to get in exercise time. I am going to try going to the gym 4 days a week for an hour right after work. I am honestly  nervous about the gym. It seems the gym is for skinny, healthy people. Not fat girls :) But I have to start somewhere and if its 30min of cardio and 30min of weights, so be it. I will keep this updated on our progress.

April Showers Bring May Flowers....and Mayflowers bring PILGRIMS!

hardy har har.
I just recently taught colonization and have been dying to use that joke.
I am finally feeling at peace with the whole work situation. I still don't have a job, I have had several interviews but no offers. It always comes back with "its not you, its me" or "we hired someone with more experience" or "we reposted the job because we need a perfect fit..." blah blah blah. Who knows. I recently had an interview at a charter school I would very much like to work at. I should hear back very soon (like by Wednesday) if I got it or not. I really hope I did. Its a combined 6th, 7th, 8th position at a smaller charter school, class sizes of 24, lots of room for creativity and collaboration, two things that were sorely missing from my old job. But even if I don't get it, I am sure something will come along shortly. If not, I feel at peace. I want to enjoy my summer with my rapidly growing little man. I can't believe how big Eli has gotten. He is so thoughtful and polite and silly. I know "polite" is not a word people usually use to describe 2 year olds, but I get compliments all the time from complete strangers about how good he is at using his manners or how he uses his words so nicely. He is incredible and I want to focus on him. I am still so bitter over the last year, I feel like that whole 9 months was lost and I gained little. I gained experience, which is definitely valued, but I kept telling myself "just get through this year, next year will be so much better". I kept my lessons carefully organized and filed so I could refer to them again for next year, and now who knows. I have nothing. I am trying to let it all go and be at peace with my situation, but its difficult.

I spent some time today doing something I love. I made two cakes for a friend's daughter for graduation. It felt so good to be back in the kitchen. I have realized I NEED a creative outlet. That means I need to set aside time each week for ME to do something creative. I am going to focus on getting E's scrapbook caught up this summer. I am so behind on pictures and the whole thing. I am going to go to dollar tree and look for some cheap stickers and paper for Eli to scrap book with me :) I think he'd love it. I also have a new sewing machine I haven't gotten to use, and I am SO excited to learn! I would love to be able to sew a few things for the baby we are HOPING to add to our family next year! Geoff and I decided to TTC this summer. I am so excited. I have had baby fever for months now :) The other thing I have been enjoying greatly is gardening. We have been working on our vegetable garden for weeks now and we have a whole lot of little green sprouts coming up. We recently planted strawberries and tomatoes, and roses! I love rose bushes. They are blooming and looking beautiful. My goals this summer

1. walk every day
2. lose 15lbs before I get pregnant
3. learn to sew
4. continue gardening
5. get Eli's scrap book up to date
6. relax and enjoy the summer with Eli. I have only seen him 3 hours a day for 9 months. I am ready for some baby time

On a related note- Geoff just got promoted to be an assistant manager, which means in a year he will be promotable to a co-manager and he would make a lot more money than he is making now. I could possibly stay home for a year or so at that point if I wanted to. We just have to get through this year. Lots of love and peace for the Robinson family. I hope your summer is great too! Thanks for reading.

April Showers bring...a lot of change.

Its time for my monthly blog post :) 

Wow-there is a lot of change in the works for the Robinson Family. First of all, the Hunger Games is on Netflix and that is awesome! 

On a more serious note-As of right now, I do not have a job for next school year. 

Budget cuts and being a late hire, coupled with the fact that it has been a super hard year for me mean that its time to dust off the ole resume and see what is out there. Its so disappointing because we moved from Fort Collins to Greeley under the impression I'd have two years at this job, and it doesn't look like its going to work out that way. I have learned so much and grown leaps and bounds in terms of my ability to be an effective teacher, but that doesn't change the fact that I am now jobless. I have several impressive letters of recommendation from my principal, peer-teachers, and a teacher who was a mentor to me. So, hopefully something will come along soon. In addition-our daycare lady changed her mind about keeping Eli's spot for the summer. She's not going to keep it unless we pay her $100/week. Not happening. I don't care what other day care policies are-she initially told us she'd keep his spot and now she's not and that sucks. So we have no daycare and no job for me.

In Geoff news-he has a meeting with his adviser this week to see when he can graduate. He has between 6-18 credits left, depending on what credits they are going to take. He is definitely ready to be done with school and we are all ready to move on from the life of a part-time student. Its so hard to have to juggle work and school and family life. Geoff is also trying very hard to keep all his doors open, he recently applied for a promotion at work and is trying to maintain contact with the Sheriff's office where he is a reserve deputy. He and I have talked extensively and would like to add a child to our family at some point in the (near?) future so it is good to keep options open.

Please keep our family in your thoughts and prayers over the next few months that we have wisdom and direction. I am feeling so frustrated right now because I was thinking we were all set with a job for me and school for Geoff and daycare and now all of that is crumbling around us. I keep coming back to this: "if you want God to laugh, just tell him your plans" or "God never closes one door without opening another". I know great things are in the works for our family.