I'm PREGNANT!!

So, I don't know if releasing all of that (see my last post) out into the world and into God's hands made the difference, or if it was a combination of prayer, the vitamins and supplements I was taking or what...but we're expecting baby #2 (affectionately known as R-2) February 11. The next two paragraphs are probably more info than some of you want to know, if you want to skip the cycle info and when and what I did to get pregnant, skip down to paragraph 4!

In my last blog post, I thought I was 8DPO. It seems like I tried to ovulate, then didn't, then ovulated a week later than I thought. This means when I thought I was 8DPO I was actually 1. I was getting ready to call my midwife for a prescription of Provera to start a new cycle, since this cycle seemed to be dragging on and on. I took vitex from CD 1-25, didn't ovulate, and stopped taking it. I started taking Fertilaid and metformin on CD 25-60. I stopped both when I realized I was pregnant.

I thought I ovulated on CD 35 (average cycles are 28-35 days) and tested on CD 44-BFN.
I started using progesterone on day 42, because I suspected a luteal phase defect, then actually ovulated on CD 42. I tested on CD 44, 46, 47, 50, and 53. At this point I should've been 11 DPO and been able to get a positive test, which did not happen. I kept getting negatives. The evening of our anniversary, my chest was very sore and I didn't feel well. Both symptoms of PMS. The next night my back hurt, and I was ready to just give up and start over. I was 18 DPO and frustrated. Geoff was on his way home from work so I decided to take a test (my last one!) and then call the doctor in the morning for Provera to start a new cycle once I was sure I was not pregnant. Imagine my surprise when I was!! Unfortunately, I started spotting almost the next day. We called my midwife and she got me in for threatened miscarriage. She thought I was farther along than I actually was, so we did an ultrasound. Imagine my sweet relief when we found the tiny heart beat on the ultra sound. A few days later I started passing small amounts of grey tissue and the bleeding increased. Geoff stayed home from work one day to go with me because again, we thought we lost the baby. The ultrasound never revealed a reason for the bleeding, and my midwife couldn't tell me for sure. One theory is possibly there were twins and we lost one, but we'll probably never know. We had a regular check-up at 10 weeks and my midwife was able to get the heart beat on the doppler. There has never been a sweeter sound than hearing that galloping heart beat.

I told Geoff the night after our anniversary, we had waited too long for me not to tell him right away :)
Eli and I had already made his father's day card, which had Darth on the front, and said "Dad, you are my father" and Yoda inside and it said "Yoda  best dad ever". I crossed out "my" and wrote "our" then I put the test inside. Then I told him I am sorry I gave you something for father's day that I peed on. :)

I am so excited about this child, the timing could not have been better. We just moved into a beautiful new house, its a 3 bed 2 bath ranch with full unfinished basement. I'll post house pictures later. The due date for this baby is mid-February, which allows me to take the rest of the school year off, unpaid, and return to work in August. We made a bit of money in the sale of our condo, which should be enough for me to stay home from Feb-August. I am so excited to begin putting this little person's room together and get ready for baby.

Right now we are planning a hospital VBAC, I had a great hospital experience last time and totally and completely felt like I was supported, respected, and treated with dignity, even though E's birth ended up in a cesarean. Geoff is much more comfortable with VBACing at the hospital instead of at home, so we will do that. I am going to start seeing a chiropractor soon, and hope that will help me and baby stay in better alignment and more ready for birth.

For now, we wait and pray and hope this baby continues to grow and thrive and we get to meet our little R2 in Feb!

6 years ago...

I couldn't really decide on what to get Geoff this year. Money is tight, my last day of school with kids was yesterday, he's working, blah blah blah. Always with the busy life stuff. So I sat down at the computer while Eli was napping, and came across this cute card on Pinterest that said "Today I have loved you..." I loved the idea. But I lack a cricut machine, a wooden block and the patience to procure either. I typed it up, and thought "well that looks dumb! Its black letters on a sheet of computer paper!" So I started adding pictures...and Voila! Its done! 

Heartbroken

I have been debating this blog post for over 3 months and finally feel like I need to the release of writing it. Geoff and I have been trying for over 2 years to conceive our second child and.....nothing. I just cannot get pregnant. Every month I hope and pray and chart and take vitamins and hope and pray some more. And still, nothing happens. Without TMIing all of you, I have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) which means my body tries to ovulate, then the egg doesn't release and I don't. However, since Eli's birth I have had fairly regular cycles. My midwife basically told me its because I am too fat. That was heart breaking to hear, as I weigh the EXACT SAME as when I got pregnant with E and I only gained 11 pounds my ENTIRE pregnancy. I am not denying I have weight to lose, I don't think that's the only issue. I think the reason I can't get pregnant is because when I found out I was pregnant with Eli I freaked out. Like FREAKED OUT***. I was hysterical, trying to figure out if I could make myself miscarry or give him up. I am so ashamed now. It breaks my heart to think I ever, even if just for a few moments, didn't want that boy. So now, maybe I am being punished and that's why I can't conceive. I guess I get what I deserve. All I know, is right now, at 8DPO, I am heartbroken with a negative pregnancy test in hand. I know its not too late this cycle, but it seems like it is never going to happen. So there is my confession, do with it what you will.
***edited to add, when I found out I was pregnant with Eli I was in my last semester of college, hating my job, and had been just accepted to grad school. I didn't think there was any way Geoff and I could care for a child. I don't hate babies (obviously) I just didn't think we should have one if we couldn't take care of him/her the way they deserved***

are you effing kidding me?

Grrr... I weighed in after week 1 (we weigh in on Mondays, so this was almost 3 weeks ago I think?)
and had lost 9lbs. It just melted off. That was the one week I was 100% of the whole30. That weight has stayed off, but I've only lost 2 more pounds since then. I am OVER.IT. I am going to go back to 100% grain free, dairy free this week. I am not going to sweat a bit of soy or hidden sugars here or there....but $*#@$(#(% I can't do this 1/2 a pound at a time. I have picked up my work outs to at least 3-4 a week, with a mix of cardio and weights. My poor, stupid, right foot has been in agony due to plantar facitis.... which the swelling of the tendons in the bottom of the foot and causes intense pain and makes it excruciatingly difficult to work out effectively. I can't run, jog or sprint. I can't even walk for cardio, I can barely get through my regular day of walking :( It has made working out a bit more challenging. My darling friend and her husband both work at University and he is the gym teacher/coach for the high school. Thankfully, they have graciously invited me to go work out with them and I have learned a lot about getting cardio in through circuit training and stations etc. That is probably my best priority for the next few weeks until my foot heals. I can't believe I haven't lost more weight than this. Its getting ridiculously frustrating and I am losing patience.

Back to the best combination whole30 I can scrap together this week.

IN other news- school has been ROUGH this week. I have a student in the hospital with some serious mental health issues. I adore this student and am worried about them. I have their sibling in advising as well and I can see the stress in the younger student.  I don't know how to reach out and help this student overcome these kinds of issues...there is a good chance the student will be out for the rest of the year. I have another student whom we just got on an IEP for academic struggles and now the student is having significant behavior issues in addition to academic issues. Its hard to see a kid struggle that much. I keep hearing I need to learn to leave work at work, but its hard to do.

I can honestly say I am ready for summer and sun and all things hot. (cue Olaf)
I can't wait to sleep in til 7:30, and then spend the rest of the day hanging out with Little Man.
I am hoping that will give me some extra time to focus on healthier eating and continue working out. We have a lot of big changes heading our way, we are selling our condo in the next few weeks, and then going to be looking to buy a house. I can NOT wait to be out of the rental. We have enjoyed living here, but I am ready for a place to call my own. I hate the feeling of being somewhere temporarily, the whole time we've lived here I have had it in the back of my mind that its not permanent, don't get too settled in, we're not staying. I hope the condo sells fast, we find the perfect home and we the move goes smoothly. Pray the condo sells very fast :)

That's all that is new in the Robinson house.... except this gem from Eli...
The other night I asked him what he wanted to be when he grows up. His response? "A carrot"
whatever that means :)

Do you have big plans for Mother's Day?

The end of the beginning.

Bleh. I "finished" my whole 30 a whopping 13 days into it and am still pretty disappointed. I wish I could've kept going, I was starting to feel good and felt like it was working. But, sometimes life just doesn't go the way you want it to. I am going to try to keep up the spirit of the whole30 and if eat any grain at all, I am going to strive to have it be before lunch with the exception of rice which is gluten free. I noticed a huge increase in sugar cravings and carb cravings when I stopped the whole30 and had just a little off-plan foods. I think the trick for me is all or nothing, if I don't ever allow myself to "cheat" on my plan then I never open the door to massive binges of sugar and grain laden fare. I only lost 1 pound or so this week, but after having lost 9 the week before, I guess that makes sense. I am at that point where I am getting tired of eating healthy and not really seeing the results yet. I am going to keep it up though, I don't want to be sitting here a year from now wishing I had just kept it up and weighed 80lbs less. That's about what I have to lose, 80lbs. Possibly more, depending on how it goes. I heard once that the first 20 are the hardest, if that's the case, I am half way there!
On the menu this week-eggs for breakfast (always) and maybe a SMALL smoothie with spinach, fruit and coconut milk
lunch-salads, hummus and carrots, an apple, maybe some chicken (although it is Tuesday and I am OUT of salad already!) the rest of the week will be carrots and hummus and left overs
dinners-Monday and Tuesday round steak, pan fried with brown rice (or mashed potatoes) and peas
Tuesday-cracklin chicken thighs and sauteed green beans
Wednesday-ground beef stir fry with whatever veggies are left in the fridge (carrots, cabbage, green beans, peas) with cauli-rice
Thursday-Thanksgiving meatballs (recipe from my favorite paleo cookbook!) and sweet potato souffle (from my favorite blogger-Shaye Ellliot
Friday-advising movie night, I will probably treat myself to a slice of pizza and then eat fruit and veggies instead of snacks :)
This weekend will be interesting because we are supposed to go down to the Springs for my niece's 6th birthday. Its hard to behave at my parents house :)

day 13....and the end?

I havent posted much this week. The week itself was insanely busy, I did a cake for a friend's shower on Monday.
Tuesday I went to with the 8th grader choir to "sing to the elders" we walked down to a local retirement/assisted living home and they sang a few songs to the people who lived there. They are a talented group!
Wednesday and Thursday we had CMAS testing at school (because, ya know, TCAP is not enough)
not enough testing!!)
Friday we had a 6th grade field trip. All of these trips and testing are messing up my teaching schedule.
I made it through the week ok, cooking dinner and packing my lunch until Friday. We left the school at 10:30 and walked over to the park,  which was fun for the kids but a problem for me. I usually (always) pack leftovers and heat them up at school. We were out of leftovers, and I couldnt bring a sandwich or anything else like that....I ended up with fruit and carrots and a boiled egg.

I was frustrated and hungry by the time I got home.

Saturday morning Geoff and I were trying to figure out meals for the week because we are on a super tight budget because we are doing the Dave Ramsey method for getting out of debt. I was in tears because we needed to buy cat food and cat litter and lunch stuff for Eli and so on and so forth. The Whole 30 is many things, but it is NOT cheap. Geoff asked me to please make some exceptions because our budget cannot sustain the required restrictions. For example, I was going to buy a bottle of coconut aminos (a soy sauce substitute) to make stir fry for lunches this week. Well a bottle is $6-8 at Sprouts. We only had $85 left after buying cat supplies this week....so thats upwards of  10% of our grocery budget. I just cant afford to continue.

I am going to have to go off-plan and go rogue. I am going to still eliminate all refined sugars, but not worry about sugar in meat products like bacon or sausage. I am going to eliminate all wheat, but eat minimal amounts of rice and corn (its amazing how much farther stir-fry goes with rice!!) etc. I looked up a bunch of tips and thoughts from Mark Sission who is one of the fathers of the paleo movement and am following his ideas as best as possible. i am going to restrict my dairy intake, but not worry about trace amounts of dairy or soy in things. I don't think I have any issues with legumes and believe if eaten correctly they can be a good source of nutrients, so I plan on reintroducing those first. I am very disappointed with my failure, but need to do what is best for my family. Sigh,
I hope I continue to see results with the addendum to the plan. So far I have lost 9lbs (as of last monday)

Whole 30 check in-Day 7 and Easter

Blurry but smiley picture of Eli on Easter 2014

Easter 2014

I am on Day 7 of the Whole30...or Day 1. I (stupidly) and distractedly put a finger full of frosting in my mouth last night without thinking....I was finishing up a shower cake for a friend and just went with old habits. The Whole30 is pretty strict about any sugar making an impact so I guess I am starting over. Its not a big deal, I am planning on Whole30ing through the rest of the school year, I'd like to avoid the end of the year goodies that inevitably come with it. Its been tricky the last couple of days, we had Easter at my parents house and ended up going out for steaks. The moment of truth came when the server brought out plates of shiner bock bread, cheese fries, onion straws and fried shrimp. All of that was followed by everyone else's salads. (I chose to have asparagus instead of a salad). I made it through and ate my steak and dry sweet potato and asparagus, and was surprised by how delicious it was!! I left there full, but satisfied. I didn't feel bloated or exhausted after eating, and it was nice.

Cake for Lindsay's Wedding shower

Other moments of temptation followed, for example today we had a faculty-workday. Some of the teachers were asked to bring breakfast for everyone and there were tables laden with donuts, sweet rolls, cookies, brownies, yogurt, granola, cinnamon rolls and more. I chose a spinach and egg crustless quiche, and some fruit. At lunch we had a wedding shower for one of the teachers, complete with taco bar and dark chocolate raspberry cake made by yours truly. I had lettuce with taco meat (seasoned by me so it was Whole30 compliant!) and a spoonful of guac and salsa. It was actually satisfying! I haven't felt super deprived or like I am lacking this time. That was a huge issue for me last time. I felt like I had to eat boring, dry, tasteless food. This time I have found amazing paleo, compliant food options and felt like I have never eaten better in my life.

On the menu this week:
leftover paleo chili
mustard glazed chicken thighs with sauteed green beans finished with lemon
beef barbacoa with braised cabbage
cumin crusted pork chops with sweet potatoes
ribeyes with whatever veggies I have left! haha.

I am excited to take leftover in my lunch this week :)

All of this has pushed Geoff and I outside of our comfort zone in a lot of ways and challenged what we typically eat. I feel so much more satisfied with more veggies on our plate, and with more diversity in our menu each week. I think it is good for Eli too, as he is being exposed to new flavors and textures all the time. So far the only thing he is not crazy about is cabbage.

I have lost 3% of my body weight so far (we have to weigh in for Biggest Loser)