some fear

Hello all. I know it hasnt been that long since I last posted, but give me a break...I am home alone all the time and getting anxious. I keep telling myself to relax, the baby will get here when he gets here and I am (mostly) at peace with the timing. My concern is my ability to give birth. There I said it. A few nights ago I had a massive gallbladder attack, and my poor, sleep deprived husband had to rush me to the hospital for treatment. I have never, ever been in so much pain. I was vomiting, shaking, sweating and groaning. My throat ached after the ordeal from all the "vocalization". I dont know how to describe the pain, but I'll give it my best. It feels like someone is sticking a redhot poker through my sternum and out my back and twisting it round and round. Nothing helps ease the pain, it is excruciating to sit or lean against it in any way, but it makes me so dizzy I cant stand through it. Anyway, I was at the point of losing it because of the pain. Literally, I was begging the nurse to give me something, anything for the pain and of course there was nothing they could do until the midwife got there to evaluate the situation. Geoff at one point just sat down next to me in the chair and put his head between his hands and shut down. He was having a really hard time dealing with it too. I am really concerned that if that was my reaction to this situation, am I going to be able to handle labor? I want to deliver this baby naturally. For me that includes no epidural and no analgesic. I am worried though that if I could only handle the gallbladder pain for a few hours, will I be able to handle labor? Are they that different? My midwife assures me that they are. Labor pains, she says, are very intense, however they come in waves and are purposeful. Also, there is a "reward" at the end. Labor produces a baby, where as gallbladder pain is just pain. I am starting to doubt my abilities though. I want my birth experience to be positive, and ultimately the goal is a healthy baby regardless of how labor goes. Even if that means a C-section. I would RATHER not go there though, if we can help it. I know labor is less than a month away, even if he's two weeks past his EDD. His "due date" is only 19 days away at this point, and I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that WE ARE HAVING A BABY! I mean, I know he's there. He does a good job of reminding me, but the concept of having a child that we are completely responsible for, a little life to nurture and care for, a life that is dependent on us, is hard to comprehend. I am trying to imagine my life with this little person in my arms and failing miserably. I dont doubt Geoff and I will be great parents, its not that, its just the changes that are coming seem so monumental that I can't grasp them. Speaking of Geoff, and parenting, my sister had her baby a week or so ago, a beautiful little girl named Monica. She really is beautiful, she looks a lot like her dad but definitely has some of my sister in her. Anyway, we went down to see them and Geoff was amazing with her. It touched my heart to see him so excited about this tiny life. He kept asking my sister questions and wanted to know if it was ok if he swaddled her and held her and he kept referring to the things we learned in our childbirth prep classes and was amazed by this tiny person. If that's his reaction to his niece, how is he going to be with our son? It makes my heart swell to think about.  I love my husband so very much. I appreciate him everyday and all the work he does. He goes to work, goes to school and helps out around the house everyday and I am so grateful to have him. Last night he vacuumed the entire house, took out the trash, and did all the dishes while I took a bubble bath. He's truly amazing. I feel so inadequate in so many ways. I desperately want to contribute to his life and enrich it in the same way he's enriched mine. I guess thats part of marriage though, wanting to be better and more for your mate everyday.
Hmm long, random post. My head feels clearer though.

getting ready

We've got less than 4 weeks left til my EDD! Which means he could be here in 6 weeks :o)
I've started thinking about getting ready...but havent done too much about it yet. I dont want to pack the hospital bag yet because I dont want to sit around loooking at it for a month or more. We havent installed the car seat yet either, but probably should sooner than later. I did do some prep today though. I made two lasagnas (one is for tonights dinner) and a baked penne. I also bought the stuff to make a chicken pot pie, but I'll deal with that tomorrow. I have a pot of green chili in the fridge that I think I am going to make into some sort of green chili enchiladas. I'm not sure exactly. I just want to make things as easy as possible for us once he gets here. I am tyring to make sure the house is clean and stays that way, so we're starting from ground zero instead of from an already messy house. I already know my biggest pet peeves are going to be dishes and trash. I hate a dirty kitchen and having stuff on the floor. Especially clutter on the floor. I am just too clumsy to step over stuff, I tend to trip and fall. My sister had her baby yesterday, a little girl named Monica Danielle she got here at 11:33am and was ~7lbs. I haven't got to meet her yet, we are going to drive down on Saturday to see her.It made me realize though that there is a lot of other work and thought that goes into after the baby is born. We discussed that last night at childbirth class (our last one!!) The postpartum period can be quite an adjustment for everyone. They gave us a list of questions to go over together so Geoff and I can make sure we are on the same page with expectations. I dont want to put too much pressure on him, because I know he's already struggling with his schedule as is. He will get two weeks of though after the baby is born. I hope that is enough time for me to adjust to being a mom and breast feeding and all of that, so that I can go back to regular activity. I still feel really guilty about being home everyday, doing basically nothing while he struggles to work and go to school. There's not much I can do about it, so I am trying to enjoy the time off. He works so hard to give me everything I want, a nice house, a new car, nice things...but whats really important to me is his happiness. I have been thinking of two different songs lately about us...
the first is my ringtone for my phone...its "We Weren't Crazy" by Josh Gracin
We headed out to california
everybody tried to warn us
said we wouldn’t make it any further
than that worn out chevy would

we broke down a time or two
thought “maybe we didn’t think it through”
we were all we had to turn to
when it wasn’t lookin’ good

lookin’ back laughin’
‘cause they called us crazy

(chorus)
we were young, we were wild, we were restless
had to go, had to fly - had to get away
took a chance on that feelin’ - baby
we were lovin’ blind - borderline reckless
we were livin’ for the minute we were spinnin’ in
maybe we were a lot of things
but we weren’t crazy

just a couple kids a couple years ago
now we got a couple kids of our own
we turn out right - proved them wrong
look at us goin’ strong

lookin’ back laughin’
‘cause they called us crazy

(chorus)
we were young, we were wild, we were restless
had to go, had to fly - had to get away
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com 
took a chance on that feelin’ - baby
we were lovin’ blind - borderline reckless
we were livin’ for the minute we were spinnin’ in
maybe we were a lot of things
but we weren’t crazy

coulda set it down
when things got tough
coulda walked away from this love
but that’d a been crazy

(chorus)
we were young, we were wild, we were restless
had to go, had to fly - had to get away
took a chance on that feelin’
we were lovin’ blind - borderline reckless
we were livin’ for the minute we were spinnin’ in
maybe we were a lot of things
oh maybe we were a lot of things
but we weren’t crazy
we weren't crazy
we weren't crazy

The other is "In a Real Love" by Phil Vassar
I was 18 makin' minimum wage
With a letterman jacket and a Chevrolet
Thought I was cool
Yeah I ruled the school
You were Cum Laude with the strawberry lips
Had the whole world danglin' at your fingertips
Your senior year
And I was your daddy's worst fear
We ran off on graduation night
Thought a couple of left hand rings would make everything alright
With a little bit a live 
Little bit a learn
Little bit a watchin' a few more candles burn
And findin' out what life was
With a little bit o' fuss 
Little bit a fight
Little bit a kiss and makin' up all night
And one day wakin' up in a real love
Well I was 22 workin' double overtime
I was spendin' dollars and makin' dimes
We were overdrawn and barely hangin' on
Then one night you came to me
With tears in your eyes and an EPT 
And said "guess what, yeah, baby ready or not"
Well, I just smiled but I was scared to death
How am I gonna' have a kid when I'm still a kid myself
With a little bit a live
Little bit a learn
Little bit a watchin' a few more candles burn
And findin' out what life was
With a little bit a fuss
Little bit a fight
Little bit a kiss and makin' up all night
And one day wakin' up in a real love
Yeah baby, it's a real love


theres a few others, like "Two Sparrows in a Hurricane" by Tania Tucker and a few by (of course...)Kenny Chesney like "The Good Stuff" and "Me and You"! But I dont want to clutter this up with lyrics. 
All I can say is I love my husband very, very much and have faith that we will be fine as long as we stick together and keep supporting each other. 

35 weeks down...33 DAYS to go!

I realized I havent posted in about a month, so I thought I should update. We have pretty much everything done for the baby's arrival. My parents made sure of that! They took me out a weekend or so ago, and bought lots of baby goodies...the bathtub, diaper bag, changing pad, a few heavy blankets, and so on. Nothing insanely major, but all things that will be really, really nice to have. I got his swing in today (we had ordered it online) and got it put together. Annie thinks all the fuzzy, cute things that hang down from the top of it are for her :o) We've been letting the cats in his room during the day in order for them to get used to it, with the caveat that if they go near his crib they get squirted. We won't let them in there while he's asleep, its too risky but we want them to be used to his stuff. We still dont have a name for the little guy. I think I said a few weeks or so ago that we were considering Elijah, which we still are, but I am not sure I LOVE it. It sounds a little preppy to me...or pretentious. I dont know. I just want to LOVE his name and for it be perfect. I am getting a little nervous about his birth and the cost it is going to entail. We just got the bill from the hospital for my ER visit back in July, and I can just imagine the bill after his birth. I am trying to trust God that everything will be ok, and remind myself that its ok to have temporary debt. Its not that we rack up credit card debt like crazy or anything, we are fiscally responsible. And I have to keep reminding myself to enjoy the time off. Its a rare gift for me to have time at home, without the responsibility of a job, baby or school. The baby will be here soon, by even my time home with him will be short and precious and should be savored. I cant wait to hold the little guy in my arms and marvel at the life we've created.
I think that is my problem with his name, I havent come up with a name that I feel is good enough for him. That and I want to wait to see him and hold him to see what suits him. In the next few weeks we need to get his car seat installed and pack the hospital bag. I am putting it off because it seems like there is such a long time til he's coming. I dont want to sit around with my bags packed for weeks on end. Just my luck, he'll come early and I wont be packed.
On that note, I am feeling pretty good these days. I spend a lot of time tired of course, but overall I feel good. The iron supplements seem to be helping with the dizziness. My hips are hurting a lot more now, its difficult to sleep for more than an hour or two at a time or to sleep for more than 6-7 hours at a time. As a result, I take more naps now than I ever have. I should get used to it, because thats the one piece of advice I've heard over and over, "sleep when he sleeps" and babies only sleep a few hours at a time... so I am adjusting quite nicely!