I am not sure where to begin this blog post. I have started it in my head dozens of times.
In short, Geoff and I are debating having another baby. The pros are (in no order):
1) babies are cute
2) Eli needs a sibling
3) we don't feel like our family is complete
4) if we are going to have another, we'd like to have the baby sooner than later, I don't want them 4+ years apart if we can help it
5) we have all the baby stuff already (diapers, car seats, etc)
Cons:
1) I can't afford to quit my job
2) I don't want to put my newborn baby in daycare
3) We CAN'T afford to put two in daycare
4) Babies are expensive
5) I worry about pumping at work
and lastly (and hence the title of this blog post) 6) I don't think I WANT to quit my job.
I was fortunate enough to grow up with my mom at home. She got us ready for school, made our lunches, took us to school, kept the house in order, grocery shopped, etc. etc. etc....she was always available to come into school for special events and volunteer in our classes. She never missed picking us up at carpool time, and was able to take good care of us if we were ever home sick. I don't know that I want my kids to miss out on that. I want to always be there for them, I want them to know they can always call me and I can be in their classes and be a part of their lives in every facet. I don't want anyone to ever say my daycare is "raising" my baby for me. I can't do that.
On the other hand, I worked extremely hard, against difficult odds, to become a teacher. I have earned my master's degree, I finally landed my first job, and I am enjoying teaching so much. Granted, teaching is a whole other world of frustration and difficulty, but I really like it. I feel like a crappy parent though. I often don't see Eli before I go to work because he's asleep. I make sure to pick him up by 5 pm at the latest every day, then I go home, make dinner, he plays and eats and gets a bath and is in bed by 8. I only really "parent" 3 hours a day + weekends. What kind of mama am I? Take today for instance, I was home with him because our daycare lady was out of town. I knew I would have the day off ahead of time and was looking forward to it. Eli spent Saturday night and Sunday night with my parents so I was looking forward to spending today with him, just low key mama-Eli time. By 9am this morning I was going stir crazy. I just wanted to take a shower, get dressed and go do something. He was a mess, he was super whiny and VERY tired and cranky. I was ready to pull my hair out. Again, what kind of mama doesn't enjoy a random day off here and there? I feel like I hate being home because if I am here, I want to accomplish 10000000 things all at once, and of course, Eli wants my full and undivided attention. I can only read Brown Bear Brown Bear so many times. I am guessing if I was home all the time we would acclimate and I would find new activities and ways of doing things to maximize the time Eli and I would be spending together. All in all Eli and I had a great day, but days and days of sitting at home in my yoga pants doesn't appeal to me and I feel so guilty about it. I feel like I *should* want to stay home all the time with my kid (s).
Which brings me back to the baby thing. I want another one, soon. I would like to have the kids close together, I would like to be done with the baby stage. I KNOW I can't afford to stay home for a year, and I am not sure I'd want to. However, I can't imagine leaving my 6 week old baby at daycare. It would kill me. I am not sure I could even function to work, Eli didn't sleep through the night with any consistency until he was almost 2.... so I can't imagine doing what I do now with less sleep. Sigh, I don't know what to do.
