My Take On Why Attachment Parenting Sucks Sometimes

A dear friend of mine posted a link to this blog yesterday and it really touched me. I have been struggling with parenting Eli solo. I feel like I have been as dedicated to attachment parenting as anyone. And I feel like it sucks sometimes. To clarify for those who may not be familiar with attachment parenting it is a style of parenting in which you follow your deepest instincts, without following any baby trainer books or other arbitrary rules of parenting. It is supposed to bring out the best in baby and mom according to Dr. Sears website. (Dr. Sear's coined the phrase "attachment parenting", although the idea was proposed years before by different doctors.) 
The following are the "rules" or "guidelines" of being an AP (attachment parent)

1. Birth bonding

2. Breastfeeding

3. Babywearing

4. Bedding close to baby

5. Belief in the language value of your baby's cry

6. Beware of baby trainers

7. Balance

• AP is an approach, rather than a strict set of rules. It's actually the style that many parents use instinctively. Parenting is too individual and baby too complex for there to be only one way. The important point is to get connected to your baby, and the baby B's of attachment parenting help. Once connected, stick with what is working and modify what is not. You will ultimately develop your own parenting style that helps parent and baby find a way to fit – the little word that so economically describes the relationship between parent and baby.
• AP is responsive parenting. By becoming sensitive to the cues of your infant, you learn to read your baby's level of need. Because baby trusts that his needs will be met and his language listened to, the infant trusts in his ability to give cues. As a result, baby becomes a better cue-giver, parents become better cue-readers, and the whole parent-child communication network becomes easier.

The above is all copied from this website by Dr. Sears. I want to address them each in turn and see where I fall on the AP parenting scale.

1. Birth bonding- I had an informed c-section, but I got to hold Eli as soon as I was able to sit up at all. I don't feel like I got to hold him very long. I don't remember. I know I did get to nurse him in the recovery room, and that was pretty successful. I also feel like this is the most practical of the 7, because unless there is some unforeseen, uncontrollable circumstance there is no reason for a baby and a mama to be separated immediately after birth. So I give myself an A for that one.

2. Breastfeeding-Eli has never had formula, and is still breastfeeding at 14 months old so I give myself an A on that part of it... but I know a lot of AP parents that read that as "breastfeeding on demand" which worked when Eli was tiny, but now if I nursed on demand everytime he asked, my boobs would hang out all day everyday because he likes to latch on for a few seconds then run off. Its like a "Squirrel!" moment (from the Disney movie, UP!???" anyway, I have had to go to setting limits and enforcing manners when it comes to breastfeeding. One friend of mine put it well, she said "Its the first set of table manners they learn". I like it. So a A- for this one.

3. Babywearing-I love babywearing. Eli is high touch most of the time and refuses to ride quietly in a stroller or basket at the store, so in order to shop peacefully I dont mind wearing him. Its also nice to have baby cuddles :o) the only negative about this is my back HURTS right now. Also, as he starts walking more he is constantly up and down, but I think thats probably normal. I give myself an A

4. Bedding close to baby-this is where I start to fail. For the first 6ish months of Eli's life we had an Arm's reach co-sleeper. My mom bought it for me on the way home from the hospital because I couldn't imagine leaving this tiny squish alone in his room. We slept OK for about the first 4 months. He woke frequently to nurse, and since I was hell bent on succeeding at breastfeeding, I nursed him every time he made a peep. Then we discovered side-lying nursing. I thought "Oh! This is great, I can sleep and nurse at the same time!!" Worst. Mistake. Ever. All it did was teach him that he can and should be latched on all night long, and I never got any real sleep that way. I'd doze off into this sort of trance like state, but could never enter real, deep sleep with Eli attached to me. So at 6 months we tried moving him back to his bed. Epic fail. I cant count the hours I spent in his room rocking him or holding him because I was a good AP mama, I couldn't let him cry it out! (CIO) I bought Elizabeth Pantleys No Cry Sleep Solution and tried that for about a month. I have never been more tired in  my life. The program has good merits, and for a less determined child it might actually work, but for Eli it was the same amount of waking but now I was out of bed to deal with it. So back in our bed he went until he was about 8 months old and I had had it. He was up every 45 minutes looking for the boob. I finally gave in and put him in his bed for one night and made him cry it out. I sat on the phone with my mom, bawling my eyes out while he cried for an hour. We checked on him every 10 minutes or so, but it gutted me. I hated it. I dont know if our sleeping problems would have been solved if I had been more dedicated to co sleeping or if I had given in and let him CIO. I'll never know. 

Fast forward to a year. He has been sleeping in his crib now for the past 4ish months, but still waking frequently. He has been cutting teeth so he has been back and forth from my bed to his. Some nights he sleeps fine in my bed, sleeping 4-5 hours at a time. Other nights he tosses and turns and talks and giggles and wants to lay on top of me, and screams to nurse and so on. Its frustrating. I wish he would just settle in my bed and sleep because we would both be much happier. Sometimes I get touched out and extremely sore from Eli sleeping right up against me, but if he would actually sleep for more than 2 hours at a time, I'd be all for it. Right now my mom has agreed to get up with Eli from 9-3. Which seems long, but I truly believe Eli is capable of sleeping that long. I am considering Dr. Jay Gordons' method of night weaning too...but thats another post. So a C- for co-sleeping.

5. Belief in the language value of your baby's cry-with the exception of that one night, I have never let Eli CIO. I love cuddling him, nursing him, and spending time with him. BUT I was also under the impression that babies who are raised AP dont cry as much because there is no reason to. Their cries are always met, so there is no reason to cry, right? Wrong. Eli cries more than any baby I've ever met. He has been checked over, and there is nothing medically wrong with him. He just cries a lot. I dont understand it and I feel like a failure because of it. He is an intense, demanding baby that requires an immense amount of time and patience. I am frustrated because I feel drained, and he still needs so much from me. I always hesitate to let Eli cry unattended because I am afraid there is always something wrong. Sometimes I don't know what is wrong that night, but in the morning I see that he is cutting a new tooth, or is really gassy, or he's cold or hungry or whatever. BUT my patience at night is wearing thin. I am so incredibly burned out. Its been at least 14 months since I have slept through the night...probably longer than that because the last few months of my pregnancy were hell. So a B+ for that. 

6. Beware of baby trainers-I see this. Ferber or Weisblueth would have you leave your baby to cry himself to sleep at 4 months or so. I can't honestly see that working. I have to say I have been tempted but have never had the heart for it. So I get an A.

7. Balance- I can say straight up front I get a big fat F for this one. I have no time for anything else. I frantically scramble to get homework done if Eli goes to sleep before he wakes up. I drag my tired body of out bed and rush to shower before he wakes up. My whole life seems structured around his sleeping and waking patterns. I dont know if thats normal or not but I can honestly say I feel exhausted. I am tired of not sleeping more than 3 hours at a time on a good night. I have no time for myself or friends or my husband. My mom has agreed to help me with Eli over night more because she can see how drained I am. I am starting to feel resentful and angry. I don't like feeling that way about my child. I feel like I have done EVERYTHING according to the stupid AP parenting philosophy and I am still failing. I try to meet his needs and be sensitive to what he needs and it never seems like its enough. I dont know what to do at this point. 

Overall the philosophy of attachment parenting seems sound, but I have to wonder if I am responsible for Eli's neediness and demanding personality. If I had done something differently would he sleep better? Would I? I dont know.

Updates

Its been a while since I posted anything new here! Life has been crazy, but that's par for the course these days. I am finished with classes for the semester, and wrapping up my practicum hours this week. Geoff is gearing up for finals and working like a mad man due to the holidays that are rapidly approaching. Poor guy, he drove down here on Tuesday, before Thanksgiving, stayed til Thanksgiving at 4:00pm, drove back to Greeley and worked from 7pm until 4am, then drove straight back here. It was wonderful to have him here for Thanksgiving/my birthday. I am SO ready for us to be a family again, I miss him tremendously. Its hard on Eli too, he doesn't understand why Daddy is here sometimes and then he'll wake up and Daddy is gone. He has started calling my phone "dada" because that's the only way he gets to interact with dada. We have tried skyping but Eli doesn't get it and rarely are we both home at a reasonable hour for Eli to skype with his dad. Its hard, but everything has a season and we're doing what we have to do to get through this right now.

As far as school goes, Geoff has this semester and next semester as a part time student, and then the 2012-2013 school year (provided I can get a job!!) He should be in a good spot to quit Wal-Mart and go to school full time! If he can pass this semester and next, Eli and I will move back to Fort Collins (again, provided I can get a job) and live there while he finishes up. Ultimately I would like to be back in the Springs permanently. I think its better for Eli to be here with family and I love having so much support from my sister and my parents. Like today, my mom left work early because I threw out my back. She came home to help me with Eli so I could go to the chiropractor. Anyway, I also would rather pay Chelsea to watch Eli than some random stranger. She is amazing with him, and I love that he gets to spend so much time with his cousins. On my side of things, I have one semester of student teaching left and I will be the proud owner of a teaching license!! whoo!! Once that is complete, I will have 2 classes this summer to wrap up to finish my masters in elementary education. That is a big change from when I originally entered the program, initially it was an extra 5 classes towards either a masters in elementary education or curriculum studies, but in that year I took off, they revamped the program and I *should* fall under the new program which only requires 2 more classes after the licensure. After I get my teaching license, while I am working on my masters, I would like to attempt to take the PRAXIS exam in social studies. Right now the Colorado Dept. of Education accepts either the required classes in an endorsement area OR a passing grade on the subject area test. That is likely to change soon so if I can just take the exam before it does and pass it, I will be licensed to teach elementary school AND middle and high school social studies (includes history, government, geography, economics, civics) THEN on top of that, there is talk of bringing an English Language Learners (ELL) and Special Ed (SpEd) certificate to UNC. I would LOVE to have an endorsement in special ed. In fact, I am considering taking the 12 credits to get a certificate for autism...its not eligible for financial aid under the FAFSA because its non degree seeking, but I think it would be SO awesome to have that kind of diversity in my background.

On the Eli front, he is doing OK. We had a lot of sleeping issues a few weeks ago, and have sense transitioned back to co sleeping almost full time. I was having a really emotional almost meltdown over breastfeeding a few days ago, but feel better now. We had to stop cosleeping for a while because he would FREAK out if he wasnt latched on nursing all night. I can't sleep like that, it hurts my back and I never really get to sleep, I just sort of doze off and wake up in that panicky OMG-stop-touching-me mode. Not good. My mom helped me get Eli used to going back to sleep without me (and the boob) and she got up with him for a few nights in a row to let me get caught up on sleep and help Eli learn to sleep better. Now he is back in bed with me and doing great at going to sleep with cuddles instead of milk. This has been amazing in my redirection of Eli and I's breastfeeding relationship. I am content with where we are now and am much more comfortable having set some boundaries for us both. On that note, I am thinking of going to FoCo *gasp* without Eli this weekend. I will likely drive up on Saturday and spend the night and my mom and dad were going to come up Sunday anyway! I am nervous and excited to leave Eli overnight, but think it will be very good for Geoff and I to have a night to ourselves. We need it, especially with the distance we have between us right now.

Robinson Family, Thanksgiving 2011

I didnt mean to write a novel, there is just a lot going on here right now :o)

Finally, school is winding down.

Phew. Its been a crazy long last few months. I started classes back in August and its been balls-to-the-wall since then. I have my last class for 2 of my 4 classes this week, one today and one on Thursday. I only have 2 more Science Methods classes, and practicum hours wrap up Dec. 9. I tentatively have my student teaching placement... I think I am going to be at The Classical Academy (off of Springcrest and Voyager) and I dont know what grade yet. I requested second, but would really prefer an upper grade. I am in fourth grade for my practicum hours and really like that age group. It will be an exciting new journey no matter which grade I get :o) I am excited to be student teaching in the spring, but concerned about leaving Eli for that long. I will have to be at the school from the moment my supervising teacher gets there, til the moment she leaves. So that could be 7-5 everyday. I hate to leave him that much. AND-I still dont know whether or not I want to apply for a job here or in foco. If I am here, I can probably find childcare more easily, but I dont want to be away from Geoff. If I am in Foco, jobs are more scarce, but I am with Geoff and we would have to pay for childcare....Its hard to say what is best.

On the Eli front, I can't believe how big and grown up he is. He is walking around like a crazy person. He is talking and babbling up a storm. He now says: my mama, dada, uh-oh, ouch, mo-nic-a, yuv yoo (love you), be-kah (becca), nana, papa, night-night, dat yoo (thank you), socks on, and he shakes his head yes and no. He can sign milk, more, thank you, all done (although he is stubborn about that one!!) We are working on the signs for please, cup, thank you (not his best sign) change, love you
He is STILL not sleeping through the night. We've been pretty fluid with his sleeping arrangements, some nights he sleeps with me, other nights he stays in his crib all night. Some well meaning people have told me that  I am encouraging his not sleeping by allowing him in my bed, and that may be so, but I don't care. I feel like its important to meet his needs at night, and if that means cuddling with mama to make up lost time during the day, then so be it. That being said, I hope he starts sleeping better before I start student teaching.

Can it really only be 1 week til Eli is ONE?!?!

I can't believe it. In one week my precious, tiny, amazing little boy will be one year old. His first birthday part is this Sunday and we've invited all of our family and friends to come celebrate with us. Eli has done some amazing things lately. First he took a few steps the other day! I couldn't believe it. My dad was kneeling down on the floor and Eli let go of the coffee table and took two steps to Papa! I tried to catch it on video but the video isnt very good, you can see it here. He also has two new teeth coming in, the top two in the middle. We've had a few rough nights because of it. I remember now why we stopped co sleeping a few months ago. I brought him to bed with me the other night because he was screaming and screaming, and I felt bad because he kept waking up screaming so I just brought him into my bed. He laid down and nursed for a long time and then as soon as I thought he was dozing off he started crawling all over the bed and giving me kisses and laying his head down. He crawled up on Geoff's pillow and laid down. Then he got up, then he laid down, up down up down. Finally I had to carry him to his bed and lay him down, and he settled right down and went to sleep!! Like I said, it reminded me why we stopped cosleeping :o)

Eli is getting his first haircut tonight too, so he can be soooo handsome for his first birthday party. We're also getting his pictures taken on Friday. We've never had professional pictures taken of him, so I am pretty excited to get them done. 

On the mama and dada front, we're both doing good. Its harder in some ways than I thought it would be to be away from my husband and easier in some ways too. Most days we're both so busy we dont have time to miss one another. I spend 10-12 hours a week at my practicum school in addition to the four classes I am taking and tutoring. Lesson planning, laundry, reading for class, grocery shopping and of course spending time with my baby boy. Thats my day. Geoff's day isn't much different except he spends 38 hours a week at work, not counting driving back and forth from Greeley to Fort Collins 2x a day so he can go to the two classes he's taking this semester plus labs. His lab time has been intense and I think he's doing well this semester in spite of everything. Otherwise his day is the same, school, chores, homework, work-work. We try and squeeze in phone conversations through out the day but even that is difficult. At night we both have so much homework to do its counter productive to work on homework. ah well, its all for a good cause and I can't even begin to describe how much I love being in the class room! I am doing my practicum observation in a 4th grade classroom at Monument Academy this semester and I love my class. Its amazing to see how many different types of kids there are and see how many different levels of abilities there are. I am going to miss them in December! 

Well, I need to go buy stuff to make my boys birthday cake! I can't believe he's already almost 1!!

Here he is at 11 months

back to the springs

I can't believe I am saying this, but I have officially moved back into my parents house. Eli and I moved back in this past weekend so I can finish school. Just to throw it out there, Geoff and I are not splitting up. Everyone seems to think we are, because Eli and I moved out but its temporary. We spent many hours discussing our options and decided its whats best for Eli and right now thats what matters most. Eli has greatly enjoyed spending the extra time with my parents and with his Aunt Chelsea. He loooves Aunt Chelsea and the girls. I hate being away from my husband, but its what is best for our family because there is no way I could leave Eli in daycare, it works for some, but Eli is a needy baby. He doesnt have the right temperament for daycare and I truly believe he'd be miserable, not to mention how costly it is! One daycare I interviewed quoted me $1100/month. Yikes. So Geoff and I are making due by talking on the phone as much as possible and trying to work out weekend visits. Cole has settled into Eli's room, which helps us out financially and gives Cole a place to live. I am sure Eli misses his daddy, because he goes around asking for him during the day, but its what it is. I started back to school this week and its so hard to balance Eli and school work. When I am home, I want to spend every moment with my baby boy and cuddle him and play and watch all the funny things he's started to do. However, I often need to split my attention between him and school works and it sucks. I have a new appreciation and respect for single mothers, its insanely difficult to be a good mother and work/go to school/ take care of the house etc. I am very lucky to have the support and help from my family with Eli. Even when I can't be there with him, I know he's being loved on and cared for by the people who love him most.
On a separate note, Geoff and I have now have Eli's first birthday planned (!!!!!) if you can believe he's going to be 1 in a little more than a month! Monica will be 1 in less than a month. I can't believe how big these babies have gotten and how fast they've grown. We bought some super cute monster themed supplies from good ol' wal-mart and am going to do sandwiches, chips, drinks and cupcakes for his special day. I am so excited for our baby boy. I have been asked a couple of times when I am going to wean him, and to me his is still so little. He counts on nursing still 4-8 times a day, depending on how much I am gone etc. He still needs mama milk and for now I am content to continue giving it to him. I can't imagine nursing much past the age of 2, but we will take it day by day and see how things are going for us both. As long as we are both enjoying it and there is milk to be had, I'll nurse him. Anyway, its getting late and I have class tomorrow so here is a pic for you to enjoy.

Eli, 10 months 08-05-2011

second half of the summer

I read somewhere that the half of the summer following the 4th of July is shorter than the part of the summer that preceeds the 4th of July. So far that has been true :) I am getting ready to take my Praxis exam, which basically just ensures I have the basic knowledge for becoming an elementary teacher (language arts, science, math, social studies) I have been studying as much as possible but sheesh! Its hard to study with Eli getting into everything! Eli has started cruising on the furniture and crawling like a mad man to get where he wants to be. He is extremely determined and not easily deterred either. If he wants something, he goes for it, and if you remove him from the object of his desire he arches his back and stomps his foot and yells at you. Its kind of funny, but probably wont be for long :o)
Eli and I are moving in with my parents in less than a month. This is going to be a huge change for us, as I have lived on my own since summer of 2005. It will be hard to be away from Geoff, and it will be hard on Geoff to be away from Eli. I know we can do it, military families have to endure a lot longer separations, but its not going to be easy. I am anxious and excited to be going back to school in the fall as well. Its going to be very hard to be away from Eli. He is very much attached to his mama and vise versa. Especially recently, the little guy has been going through some separation anxiety which has made it hard for him for me to even leave the room. He is comfortable with my sister and my parents, so hopefully the time away from me will be stress free for him. My other concern is that he is still nursing quite frequently during the day, despite eating three solid meals a day. We have moved to mostly baby fed meals, and the only things I spoon feed him are things like yogurt, otherwise he feeds himself. I am concerned though that he is going to reverse cycle and nurse more at night than he is now. As it stands now, he is regularly getting up 2-3 times a night to nurse. He nurses well and goes right back to sleep, which is good, but its still a lot of waking for me. I am hoping he'll outgrow the need to eat in the middle of the night sometime in the next 2-3 months, but I am not holding my breath on that one. I am also not comfortable with holding those feedings from him, because I truly believe he is hungry and needs the calories. He is still measuring in the >5th% for weight, so the more calories he eats, even at night, the better.
On an unrelated note, Geoff and I have been talking about having another baby sometime soonish. I would like one sooner than later, but we both agree that we BOTH need to be finished with school. Geoff has 6 credits lined up for this semester and 9 for the spring, and then (if all goes well and i get a teaching job!) he can quit Wal-mart and finish his last year full time. So we are at least 2 years out. Not my ideal spacing, but we'll do what we have to do. As always, here is the most recent Eli pic.

baptism photos and updates

Eli's baptism was a beautiful ceremony, and I am really glad we had it done. 

Anyway, I got these photos from my mom and sister while we were in the Springs and am glad to have them. However, I dont like how I look in them. at. all. I hate it in fact. I hadn't realized how much weight I had gained in the last few years. I luckily didnt gain much during my pregnancy, but I was fat before hand. lol.

Its been hard to eat right, because for some reason breastfeeding makes me super hungry sometimes. Starting tomorrow, I am going to start trying to eat right and walk with Eli everyday. I know its going to take quite a while to lose all of this weight, however I am confident it can happen! 

The fourth of July is coming up and Geoff has some vacation time, I cant wait to spend some time with him before summer is over. I am looking forward to this time, because once its over we have to face the school issue and things just seem more urgent after the 4th of July-like summer is almost over :o)

I am working on getting stuff worked out for school, I still need to take the PLACE test and register for classes. That's what is new for us for now.

8 months old

Eli is going to be 8 months old on June 5, which is also Geoff and I's 3rd anniversary. Its been a crazy, fun, amazing 3 years. We've been together since 2004, and married in 2008, so we've been together a long time and thankfully grown up a lot and more importantly, grown together. Our life is even better now with Eli in it, and its neat to see how much he has grown and changed in the past 8 months. He is crawling now, which is hilarious to watch because he has to stop and think about it then suddenly zooms across the floor. He is starting to pull himself up on furniture, which is an endless source of amusement for him. He is also really into shoes? Which is weird... haha he likes to crawl across the floor to our shoes and try and chew on them. Gross.
We had him baptized last Sunday and it was a wonderful ceremony. Most of our family came up to see it, Geoff's dad and his girlfriend, Dawn, Geoff's mom and stepdad and younger sisters, Emily and Sarah, Geoff's grandparents drove out from Missouri to be here even! On my side, my mom, dad, and brother were there. It was great to have everyone here and to have so much family support. Eli is doing really well now, he is getting very good at finger foods, which makes meal time more and less challenging. More challenging because he makes a waay bigger mess, but less challenging because i dont have to sit and spoon feed him. This falls in line with the aspects of baby-led weaning I have read about and that is a theory I'd like to explore further. He is also still breastfeeding multiple times a day. I am not sure when that will slow down for him, but am trying to be patient and sensitive to his needs.

On the subject of breastfeeding, I was prepared for it to be hard at first, but then to get much easier and more enjoyable, and it did. However, I was NOT prepared to go through HATING it at times. Seriously, I get to the point where he is tired and grumpy and doing the alligator death roll in my arms while trying to nurse and I literally cant stand it. At first I felt extreme guilt and anger at myself for not wanting to nurse anymore. But I got a link from a friend and realized these feelings are normal at times for some women and it made me feel much better. Sometimes I have to end a nursing session because Eli is being too difficult, but thats OK. I dont want to wean him until he is ready, so right now we are doing whats working. I guess I wanted to share that because I was not prepared for it at all. I was not prepared to get "touched out" at times, but now I know its normal and OK and 99% of the time I still LOVE nursing him. Its the best thing ever when he is all sleepy and wrapped up in his blankey to have him open his eyes and gaze up at me, or crack a milky grin because he looked up and saw me looking at him. I love being a mama :o)

back to school

First, a few quick updates on the little guy. Eli is now 7 months old! He is starting to finally mellow out more and I can actually set him down and leave the room for a few moments without him freaking out. He has also started sleeping in his crib all night, which was a huge struggle for all of us. I am anti cry-it-out and pro baby cuddles, but in the end it worked itself out. One day I just thought he was ready and that night we laid him in his crib. There were tears, but we got through it and he's doing much better now. He is also napping in there, which is a fairly recent development but a good one because I dont have a swing for him at my parents house, so when we're there he has to sleep in his pack n play. He has also started crawling, or shuffling with his belly on the ground, I dont know that I'd call it crawling proper but close enough. see him crawl! I need to bring him back in for a weight check in two weeks or so because at his 6 month check up he was only 13lb11oz. Meh I think he's fine. The past week or so he's had a little cold or allergies or something. He is over it now but it was rough for him. We're getting him baptized May 29 at our church in Fort Collins, and we're very excited about it. All of our family is coming up for it so there will be about 25 people there!

Ok, now that I've covered Eli, heres whats going on for our family as a whole. Eli and I are moving in with my parents in August. No, Geoff and I are NOT getting a divorce or separating or anything like that. We just can not afford daycare up in Fort Collins! I interviewed some, and it would cost us aprx. $1100/month to put him in daycare. Thats more than our mortgage. Not to mention I am kinda wary of daycare to begin with. So we talked to friends and whatnot and I am hesitant to leave him with people I dont know well, and we still cant afford to pay anyone what they would want to be paid for watching my little man. So we spoke to my parents and they agreed to let Eli and I move in. My class schedule is actually pretty unique and lends itself well to my mom and Chelsea watching him for me. I will have class on Tuesday from 2-6 and Thursday from 5-9 and Saturday from 8-5. So my mom can watch him on Thursday and Saturday and Chels can watch him on Tuesday. I will also have to fit 150 hours of practicum in somehow, but that comes out to be 150hrs/15wks=10hrs/week so I will probably put in a few hours Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday morning in order to be done with practicum by Nov 30. My classes end Nov 29 so I will likely move back to FoCo for the month of December. It'll be super hard to be away from Geoff but it makes a lot of sense in a lot of other ways. If we do this, Eli will be well taken care of, childcare will be free, he'll be with people whom he loves and who love him, it'll save us a lot of money, and it will allow Cole (Geoff's BFF) to move into Eli's room and pay us rent. We're not charging him a ton because E and I will be in and out but it helps him out too and we could use the money! I am not looking forward to being away from my awesome husband but I am looking forward to finishing up school. This way, Geoff will be free to take classes in the fall because he wont need to help me with Eli in the afternoons while I study and do homework. My parents are pretty excited to have Eli there too. I hope it all works out for the best. Finishing this program will be awesome for me as well, because I only have 12 credits of classes left and then 1 semester of student teaching. Once I am done I will have my teaching license and be able to finish my masters degree online. Provided I find a job, Geoff will be able to quit his and finish school full time. Eli will be old enough to put in daycare or preschool at that point. Its stressful and I would rather be home with him but I am too close to not finish right now. In the long run I will be glad I did (I hope). Phew. It feels good to get it all out and on "paper".

I leave you with this

6 months old

My little man is 6 months, 2 weeks old. I can not believe how fast the time is going! At his 6 month check up he was 13lbs 11oz, which puts him in the 5th %ile. and 25.5" long, which puts him in the 10th%ile. He's longish and skinny. I have to take him back to the doctor for a weight check up in a month, just to be sure he's gaining appropriately. The doctor didnt seem worried because he'd had a bout of diarrhea earlier this month, and that could have affected his weight too. Other than that, he's developing right on schedule! He is rolling easily from front to back and back to front, and can rotate himself  180 degrees on the floor to reach for toys. He is not crawling yet, but can push himself up on his hands and knees for a minute or two if he wants. Most importantly, he's been sleeping in his own bed for most (or part) of the night for almost 2 weeks! The first night was super hard, he cried and cried and cried. We kept checking on him, trying to convince him he's OK in there alone. After 1.5 hours, he fell fast asleep and I broke down. I was so afraid he'd hate me forever and he fell asleep because I thought I abandoned him. When he woke up 2 hours later, he fussed for me and as soon as I leaned over his crib, he gave me the biggest smile ever. I guess he didnt think I left him after all. Now its super cute, if he starts crying and is not in the need for a feeding, as soon as we pick up his paci, he rolls over onto his side and opens his mouth. He is getting really, really good at sleeping in his crib. He is still up a few times a night for feedings, but given his lower weight, I dont mind. If I am completely honest I love night time feedings sometimes and am going to sad when he doesnt need them anymore. There is nothing better than baby cuddles at night. 

We've started feeding him some solids now too, which he has started to enjoy. I was hesitant to start solids with him because i dont want him to not get the milk he needs, but he's been showing interest. So far he's had; mangos (loves), avacado (loves), bananas (meh) apples (hates) pears (hates) carrots (meh), sweet potatoes (meh) peas (loves). I have made all of his baby food for the most part, and I love cooking for him. Even if its steaming a bag of frozen peas and pureeing, straining and re freezing them for him. I like knowing that I am making his food so I can control what goes into it, how fresh it is, how it tastes and what the texture is like! Some days for lunch, I'll steam a whole sweet potato and we'll share :o) Thats always nice.

In other news, Geoff is doing great at work and recently got a nice bonus and a raise after an awesome evaluation at work! He's putting school on hold for now to focus on Eli and I and work. He's still involved with the sheriffs office for now.

For me, I am taking the CLEP exam in a week, which I need for graduate school. Next I have to take the PLACE/PRAXIS exam before student teaching in the fall. I am registered for my practicum, which is 2 days of class work in an elementary school to total up to 180 hours or so? I dont remember off the top of my head.  I'm looking forward to going back to school, but obviously concerned about leaving Eli. I need to start daycare shopping as well. I am also trying to convince Geoff to move back to Colorado Springs. He could transfer to UCCS and I could student teach down there in the spring. I miss my family and we've been spending lots of time with them, which has made me realize how difficult it is to be here alone. My mom and dad adore Eli, and I want him to know his aunts and cousins. Geoff's dad has been super involved too and I love how much he loves his grandson. I want Eli to know his grandparents and be comfortable with them. 

Well thats it for the Robinson family for now!

5 months!

My little monkey is 5 months old! I cant believe it, its going by so fast. Everyone said it would, but wow. First, here is what Eli is doing now! He can roll from back to front and front to back. He prefers to be on his back though, and although he *can* roll from back to front, he rarely does. He can hold his weight on his legs, and has been since he was 1-2 months old. I am wondering if he will skip crawling and go straight to walking? He is putting everything he can reach in his mouth. Including daddy's name tag, jump drive, pens, etc. haha. Geoff has to be careful holding him after work until he changes out of his work clothes! Eli is also sitting for a few seconds at a time. I think he could sit longer, but he really prefers to stand. He tries to stand up in his bumbo seat all the time and I am afraid he is going to flip himself out of it one day! He has also started making new noises! Its somewhere between incredibly cute and slightly annoying. He grumbles, mumbles, coos and babbles constantly. The annoying part is he can also shriek like a baby pterodactyl. Its the shrillest, loudest, most ear peircing thing I have ever heard!!! There is no doubt he wants something when he does it. And he does it a lot, like in church :o) lol.

As far as eating and sleeping...he is still breast fed exclusively. Our doc gave us the go ahead for solids at 4 months, which surprised me because the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends waiting til 6 months. A lot of people have suggested starting solids sooner because it will help him sleep longer. I dont buy it. I want to wait til I know for sure he's ready, and solids before a year are just for flavor anyway 95%+ of their nutrition is supposed to come from breastmilk or formula. He's had a few bites of applesauce and bananas, he mostly shutters, gags and makes faces at it. Overall, I dont think hes that ready.
And for sleeping. We tried the no cry sleep solution for two weeks solid. And it was 14 nights of hell. I can honestly say that was the most sleep deprived, most exhausted I have been since he was born. He would take over 45 minutes to rock to sleep, and then he would wake up over and over. I would go in and have to rock him back to sleep 5 or 6 times between 8 an 10. He never slept more than 2-3 hours. So, for now, hes back in bed with me. We did go out and get a king size bed though :o)
I know my last post said it was going ok, but after that night he was in bed with me, I spent 2 nights at my parents house and he coslept the entire time. He even slept for 5 hours one night!! Our goal of sleep training was for everyone to get more sleep. With the crib thing, we werent. So hes back in our bed. And for now, its working great.

Back to him being fussy, we ordered the The Fussy Baby Book: Parenting Your High Needs Child by Dr. Sears. And in it he highlights 12 features of a high needs baby. Eli is 11.5 out of 12! I guess its good to know we're not alone, we're not doing anything wrong, and its OK for him to be that way. I have had a lot of anxiety and frustration over Eli's neediness. Now I guess I feel relief that its just his personality and its our job to help him learn how to use it to his benefit. Of course we want him to grow up to a likable, successful, productive person. Its hard to because its easy to become apologetic about his needs. Or to compare him to other babies, he doesnt sleep as much, or he's not content on the floor alone, or whatever but thats not fair to him. People usually think I am grossly over exaggerating when I say he's high needs or demanding...until they witness it! hahahaha lol Anyway, its good to know that our little man is just who he is, and there is nothing we can do but love him :o) Which I knew anyway, but its good to reminded of it!

day 10

Its been 10 days (i think?) since we started the no-cry sleep solution.
So far, its been OK. I liked co-sleeping a lot, but as I said in a previous post he's been up every 45 minutes or so at night, I think I was keeping him up. Anyway, our schedule usually looks like this:
7pm-bath time, massage, lotion, jammies
7:30-8pm-story time and nurse
8-8:30-he gets laid down in bed.
I usually have to go back in there 3 or 4 times before 9:30 or 10 (sometimes 10:30) before he's really out for the night and I can go to bed. On a good night, he will sleep from 10ish to 1, which is an amazing improvement from what he was doing. I feed him again at 1 and put him back down, and he usually goes back down easily. He usually gets up again between 4-5 and then up every hour til 8ish. Its frustrating that he wont sleep longer than 11-1 at a time, but its a start. He seems like his crib OK and he just needs an occasional reassurance from mom. We started turning on a box fan up in his room too, and that seems to help him sleep longer. The last two nights have been rough though because I think his tummy has been hurting him. He finally pooped today after crying a lot of the night last night. Last night he slept with me, because he was so fussy. He didn't want to be put down at all. So we were up most of the night. I hope this doesn't ruin the progress we've made. I think its more important to respond to his needs than stick to some arbitrary schedule for our convenience.

We've also been working on nap time. I am trying to encourage him to nap at least 2x a day, for more than an hour. He seems to like to cat nap for 45 minutes at a time. So if its been less than an hour I try to rock him back to sleep and give him his paci. Surprisingly, he's been going back down pretty easily!! I often lay him on the couch next to me, or in his swing, but I think we need to get him in his crib for nap time too though because he's a pretty light sleeper.

Anway, enough about sleep. I just wanted to say I am relieved, and somewhat surprised that the no-cry sleep solution is working. Minimal tears, and I feel comfortable not leaving him alone to cry it out. Its a win-win, its just time consuming.

On a more positive note, Eli has changed so much. He is laughing, smiling, cooing, reaching for toys and chewing on everything he can get his hands on!
His laugh lights up the room and warms my soul. It makes it so worth it to be up with him night after night, and then I go in to his room to pick him up and the morning and he starts cooing and laughing because he's so glad to see me. He is a total mamas boy too and fusses when daddy tries to hold him. I want him to learn its OK to let other people take care of him sometimes. He has been more content for longer periods of time playing alone. I like to watch him play with his toys, he gets so serious as he grabs them and looks them over and the chomps down on them. I think he's getting close to giving up the paci, he often gets it in his hands and chews on it, but usually gets so mad if he wakes up fussing and I stick it in his mouth. He is an awesome little dude. The ped gave me the go ahead to start solids at 4 mo, but I dont think hes ready. He's not sitting up on his own, he hasnt doubled his birth weight, and he shows no interest in our plates when we are eating at the table. I have been looking into baby led weaning and I like a lot of what it says there. I am in no rush to start solids with him because a lot of studies have shown that early introduction of solids leads to increased risk of food allergies, obesity, early weaning etc. Breast milk is amazing too, I didnt know how much it changes to suit his needs as he grows. It has everything he really needs in it until he's a year old. I just dont want to rush him if he's not ready. At his four month check up he was at 12lbs 6 oz, and 25 inches long. That puts him in the 10th% for weight and the 65th% for height. Hes a banana shaped baby! I love that Monkey.

Anyway, thats pretty much it for us right now.
Heres a video of Eli talking 

no cry sleep solution?? Yes please!

I. Am. Tired. Eli's sleep habits have gone from bad to worse. When I was pregnant I was excited to meet this little boy. I lovingly set up his crib, washed his crib sheets, obsessed over whether or not go get bumpers (SIDS risk?) and changed the sheet on his bed 3 or 4 times before he ever arrived. Once he got here, he did not want to sleep anywhere except our arms, and I was OK with that. He spent most of the time in the hospital in our arms. I remember sitting in the hospital bed and his pediatrician telling me how important it was that Eli had his own sleep space, and never, ever bring him to our bed...hahaha I remember telling my mom, in panicked tears that I couldnt possibly take him home and leave this tiny little man alone in his big, empty, lonely crib!!
My mom laughed at me, and went out and bought an Arm's reach co-sleeper. I have to say, for the first 2-3 months, it was AWESOME! I would sit up in bed, nurse him and lay my sleepy boy back in his bed, right next to me! It was bliss! (cue the Jaws music) Until he hit about 3 months or so. Then he started refusing to go back to sleep in his bed. He'd scream and scream and thrash about until I picked him up and tucked him into bed with me. Ok..I can handle this. I love co-sleeping! I love having this tiny little guy curled up with me at night!! Then he started waking up every 45 minutes or less. Great, now no one is sleeping. Geoff has set up camp on the couch and is not coming back to bed til we figure something else out.
I am frustrated. I am angry. I am TIRED. I want to co sleep. I want to have Eli next to me at night, nursing on demand and sleeping blissfully. I remember telling my mom (who warned me to lay Eli down as a newborn to sleep...) "I waited 9 months to hold him! I'm not putting him down now!" *palm to forehead*
So, after asking Eli's ped. if there could possibly be anything medically wrong with our sweet, precious, screaming terror of a child (its like magic, cue bed time and he's a screaming, thrashing, back-arching, inconsolable terror!!) Theres not. He is just a strong willed child. So Geoff and I went out and bought The No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley. Basically she has four parts to her method.
1) Routine, routine, routine. Both nap and night time sleep needs a routine and schedule. Not rigid, but baby needs to know what comes next
2) watch your child for the first sign of sleepiness and spring #1 into action
3) introduce a lovey, this comfort item will (hopefully) help soothe them back to sleep in your absence
4) stick to your plan, it may take a week of soothing them back to bed every hour but stick with it for 10 days and re-evaluate.

Our plan is to transition him to his crib starting tonight. I hate this idea, but last night he was screaming his head off, he wouldnt nurse and was crying because he was sooo tired. Out of frustration and (I'm ashamed to admit) anger, I pushed him into his co-sleeper, stuck his paci in his screaming mouth and left the room. I came out and cried in Geoff's arms for a minute and then realized silence was coming from the bedroom...Eli was out! Magic! No crying! No bouncing, rocking, shhing, walking, nursing, wash rinse repeat. He just needed me to leave him along long enough to sleep. Geoff and I sat up for an hour talking and Eli slept the whole time. Once I (carefully) crawled back into bed and started to doze off...yep. He woke up. And woke up almost every hour for the rest of the night. I think I am waking him up everytime I shift, move, snore etc. He wakes me up everytime he stretches, fusses, moves. So we wind each other up. Not good. I thought about transitioning him back to the co-sleeper, but he's starting to outgrow it, and I dont think my night time shifting would stop bothering him. I want to go through this once. So I write this blog post out of frustration, exhaustion and a sense of disappointment. I desperately wanted to attachment parent. I really want my baby boy close by at night. But I also want to sleep in order to be a good mama. Another AP thing that does not work for us, is babywearing at home. He LOVES being worn out and about, but HATES it at home. He gets bored, frustrated and tired. So I fail on 2/7 "rules" of APing...ah well. I think in the end, attachment parenting is about parenting in the most sensitive, positive way for YOUR child. My child is a light sleeper, and stubborn. If he knows I am right there, he wants me. He wants to coo, play and nurse all night long and he gets mad at me for his being tired. So, starting tonight...he will sleep in his crib. I hope.
ETA: the book does include a section for cosleeping, breastfeeding mamas. She recommends not reacting to his every noise, which I dont. She recommends pushing him away a bit, which I do. Neither works for him. So the crib it is. For now, he naps in his swing, but we may work on that too at some point....we'll see.

Eli is almost 4 months old!

Eli will be four months old tomorrow! I cant believe how fast its gone, he changes so much everyday. This week he has started showing a keen interest in his toys, and has started grabbing them and putting them in his mouth. This is pretty much right on target from the sheet the pediatrician gave us with milestones etc. Its funny to watch him reach for a toy and get so excited when he gets it in his mouth! He has his 4 month well child check/immunizations this next week, and I am kind of looking forward to it because I'm always curious to see what he weighs and how long he is. I hate to see him in pain from the immunizations, but after much research, feel its the best thing we can do to protect him from potentially deadly diseases. I know vaccines are a hot topic for some people, but I remember seeing my nephew (Alex, Carlo and Jen's little guy) in the hospital with RSV and it being the saddest, scariest thing ever. I know RSV is not something you can vaccinate against, but it struck me that there are diseases that can be prevented with a simple vaccine. Anyway *steps off soapbox*.
I am also looking forward to asking his pediatrician about sleep. Oh where do I begin? Eli has never been a great sleeper. He hates being put down when he's asleep or being forced to sleep alone, so I usually just put him in bed with me. However, he has been going through screaming fits at night off and on for the past month. I dont know what to do. We tried moving his bed time back to 7:30-8 and implemented a strict bedtime routine. At 7 he gets a bath, lotion, fresh diaper, nurses, story and bed. He sometimes goes down without a fuss, but almost always wakes up within 30-45 minutes and needs to be resoothed. He usually wakes up again at 11 and needs to be resoothed. If he goes back down ok after those two wakings, he wakes up to eat at 1-2. The rest of  the night is a crap shoot. I always leave him in bed with me after that, because he freaks out if I lay him back in his cosleeper. He usually eats again at 4, 6 and 9. With a diaper change in the middle of that. I struggle with the co sleeping thing, because I dont always sleep as well with him in bed with me because I am a stomach sleeper. Also, I struggle with the whole "never put them in bed with you, you're spoiling them and its dangerous" thing. Geoff has thrown in the towel and started sleeping on the couch, partly because of Eli and mostly because he likes to watch TV at night and I dont. Nap time is not much better. He likes to cat nap during the day, 30 mins or so at a time, so he's awake and happy for a short amount of time and then crabby because he's tired. Everyone keeps telling me, this too shall pass...All I can say is I hope they are right.

On a more positive note, he is giggling, smiling, laughing, and drooling like a crazy man! Here is a video of him giggling. He is more awesome than I ever could have imagined. I cant wait to see how this tiny person grows and changes everyday.

things that surprised me...

I did my best to prepare myself for having a baby, and I did my best to listen to advice from those who came before me, but there are still some things that surprised me!
1) I was adamant about Eli NOT having a pacifier until he was 12 weeks, in order to establish breastfeeding...well in the hospital he had an instatiable need to suck! We asked the nurse about it, and she told us to try it for a day and see how it went! Success!!
2) I am glad we didnt wait to introduce the paci, because at 3 months old he hardly will take it now!! We just went out and bought a MAM brand, a NUK and he has a soothie, and he hardly will take any of them! He gags on the NUK, and we are still not sure about the MAM. I wish he would take one of them though, because....
3) he HATES the car. I always assumed babies loved the car, it was supposed to lull them to sleep blah blah blah...it was even recommended to us to put him in the car if he's fussy and drive him to sleep. Not. Gonna. Happen.
4) The witching hour SUCKS! I hadnt experienced this before Eli, but from about 7 or 8 weeks until he was 12 weeks or so, he would scream his head off from around 4-8pm everyday. It didnt seem to matter what we did, he was inconsolable. Geoff and I would tag team back and forth because it would get so frustrating!!! He's outgrown it  now, thankfully!
5) Sleep-He is awake a lot at night! Sometimes he wants to nurse every 1 1/2-2 hours...its frustrating for my sleep to be so broken up, but it doesnt seem to bother him! On the flip side of that, he sleeps a lot some days, but I am never sure how long he'll sleep so I dont know if its worth it to try and squeeze in a nap, or just unload the dishwasher?
6) how much I love baby-wearingng/cloth diapering/co-sleeping. I hesitate to label myself as practicing attachment parenting, but we closely align with that method of parenting :o) I have a moby wrap which I LOVED when he was little and squishy, but then I got a beco carrier and a maya wrap and I love them too! I like the beco for long trips, or if I am standing stationary for a long time, like grocery shopping or church. I like the maya wrap around the house or for quick trips to the store, etc. The maya is smaller and easy to slip on and off, so its great for the diaper bag! He easily falls asleep in it too, which is awesome for me
7) Cloth-I wanted to cloth diaper from the beginning and Geoff was adamantly against it. It was one thing that I wanted but I wasnt going to push too hard because there were other things that mattered more to me. But, when Eli turned 3 weeks old, Geoff was surprised by how much waste diapers generated and by how quickly our stash of disposables was dwindling! We never bought diapers, thankfully because a lot of people gave us them as a gift. We went through them so fast though! Anyway, one night when Eli was about 3 weeks old Geoff just decided he wanted to try cloth. We were scheduled to go down to the Springs for my best friends bridal shower so we stopped by a local cloth diaper store  and got set up with 24 prefolds, a snappi,  4 Thirsties Duo Covers and a wet bag. We agreed to try it for a week and see if we liked it. Geoff agreed to do the laundry and we never looked back. I am always surprised when he speaks up, even as he is doing the laundry and says he is so glad we switched. Its not as big of a deal as I thought it would be, even when we take trips down to the springs, we just use a large zip bag and wash when we get home!
8) co-sleeping...I know a lot of people are anti co sleeping...but in the hospital Eli wouldnt sleep except with me. I remember crying and telling my mom I dont think I can come home and put him in the crib! She agreed and went out and bought me an arms reach co sleeper. He sleeps in that most of the night, but at around 5 am he starts wanting to cluster feed again so I put him next to me in bed and we cuddle. I love having him in there and am not sure what to do once he outgrows the co sleeper...
9) breastfeeding. I hated it at first. It hurt, he wouldnt latch on the left side at all and I was scared to death he would starve :o) Now I love it. I am surprised by how much I love it. I cant imagine mixing him a bottle of man-made formula when my body is so capable of taking care of him. Not that there is anything wrong with formula, nor am I passing judgement on formula feeding moms. I just love how perfect breastfeeding is for us. I understand how hard it is for women to breast feed and why only 20% or so of women are still breastfeeding at 6 months. I remember my mom telling me that its ok if it doesnt work out, I dont have to breast feed. I was hell bent on doing it though, no matter what, and I am glad I did!
10) number 10 is how rewarding being a mom is. I heard a mix of either 1) enjoy your freedom now while you can because you wont get to do anything for the next 18 years! or 2) being a mom is awesome. For me both are true! haha. I am putting off school at the moment and hoping to go back in the fall, and finish up. No one told me how amazing being a mom is. I dont think anyone can tell you or prepare you for how amazing this little person can be. He is laughing, smiling and cooing and his giggles melt my heart. Especially at 2am! haha!

just a quick catch-up

I've not blogged in a while because, as I said in my last post, we've been super busy! Heres some pictures of the past few weekends!

Tina's wedding cake

This is the wedding cake I did for my best friend (since kindergarten!) She got married December 18, 2010. Her ceremony was beautiful and I wish her all the happiness in the world! She deserves it!















The next weekend was Christmas and we spent it with my family, mostly but did stop and see Geoff's family too.

At my mom's Christmas day

It was really nice for us to get to spend time with family for Christmas. Things are lean this year, so there wasnt much in the way of presents exchanged but it was awesome to spend the holidays with people we love and who love Eli. It touches my heart to see how much our families love my son. I love him, and of course I want everyone else to love him but its an honor to me to share him with our parents. I did not grow up with grandparents in the traditional sense, so its very important to me for Eli to have a close relationship with our parents. My parents and Geoff's dad have made an immense effort to be a part of his life as much as possible, and I thank them for that.

Four generations of Robinson men

This weekend was New Years, and Geoffs grandparents drove out from Missouri to meet Eli. They hadn't been able to get out here before now, and were very anxious to meet him. Geoff's grandma (Eli's GREAT-grandma!) was beside herself with joy and excitement to meet the little guy. I was so excited to see them so excited :o) I love that they care so much about my son! It was wonderful to spend a few days with Geoff's dad, Dawn, Laura, and his grandparents. We got to eat good food, hang out and open presents. Geoff's dad got me a Maya Wrap for Christmas and I LOVE it! Eli likes it too, he usually conks right out when I get him in it. I dont have any pictures of it...but I think his dad does so I will have to ask him for one! In addition to showering Eli and Geoff and I with love, I have felt a lot of acceptance and understanding from his family about breastfeeding. I am sure its slightly uncomfortable for his dad so be in the room or at least next to me when I nurse, but he has never said a word against it. Its been an internal battle for me too, do I use the cover to avoid his (or anyone elses) discomfort? Or do I go with what I feel is right and nurse my son, discretely but openly in the same room as everyone else is? In the end I went with my gut and didnt have any problems. As long as I am attentive to Eli's cues and offer him the boob as soon as he starts showing interest, he latches right on and we dont have any problems! I can sit in the living room with everyone else and still feed my son. A shout out to all the ladies who have come before me to make breastfeeding more socially acceptable and who have given me the confidence to nurse in public!!

Well thats pretty much all thats been going on here in the past month or so. I just wanted to post a quick update :o)