I have been debating this blog post for over 3 months and finally feel like I need to the release of writing it. Geoff and I have been trying for over 2 years to conceive our second child and.....nothing. I just cannot get pregnant. Every month I hope and pray and chart and take vitamins and hope and pray some more. And still, nothing happens. Without TMIing all of you, I have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) which means my body tries to ovulate, then the egg doesn't release and I don't. However, since Eli's birth I have had fairly regular cycles. My midwife basically told me its because I am too fat. That was heart breaking to hear, as I weigh the EXACT SAME as when I got pregnant with E and I only gained 11 pounds my ENTIRE pregnancy. I am not denying I have weight to lose, I don't think that's the only issue. I think the reason I can't get pregnant is because when I found out I was pregnant with Eli I freaked out. Like FREAKED OUT***. I was hysterical, trying to figure out if I could make myself miscarry or give him up. I am so ashamed now. It breaks my heart to think I ever, even if just for a few moments, didn't want that boy. So now, maybe I am being punished and that's why I can't conceive. I guess I get what I deserve. All I know, is right now, at 8DPO, I am heartbroken with a negative pregnancy test in hand. I know its not too late this cycle, but it seems like it is never going to happen. So there is my confession, do with it what you will.
***edited to add, when I found out I was pregnant with Eli I was in my last semester of college, hating my job, and had been just accepted to grad school. I didn't think there was any way Geoff and I could care for a child. I don't hate babies (obviously) I just didn't think we should have one if we couldn't take care of him/her the way they deserved***
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Friday, May 9, 2014
are you effing kidding me?
Grrr... I weighed in after week 1 (we weigh in on Mondays, so this was almost 3 weeks ago I think?)
and had lost 9lbs. It just melted off. That was the one week I was 100% of the whole30. That weight has stayed off, but I've only lost 2 more pounds since then. I am OVER.IT. I am going to go back to 100% grain free, dairy free this week. I am not going to sweat a bit of soy or hidden sugars here or there....but $*#@$(#(% I can't do this 1/2 a pound at a time. I have picked up my work outs to at least 3-4 a week, with a mix of cardio and weights. My poor, stupid, right foot has been in agony due to plantar facitis.... which the swelling of the tendons in the bottom of the foot and causes intense pain and makes it excruciatingly difficult to work out effectively. I can't run, jog or sprint. I can't even walk for cardio, I can barely get through my regular day of walking :( It has made working out a bit more challenging. My darling friend and her husband both work at University and he is the gym teacher/coach for the high school. Thankfully, they have graciously invited me to go work out with them and I have learned a lot about getting cardio in through circuit training and stations etc. That is probably my best priority for the next few weeks until my foot heals. I can't believe I haven't lost more weight than this. Its getting ridiculously frustrating and I am losing patience.
Back to the best combination whole30 I can scrap together this week.
IN other news- school has been ROUGH this week. I have a student in the hospital with some serious mental health issues. I adore this student and am worried about them. I have their sibling in advising as well and I can see the stress in the younger student. I don't know how to reach out and help this student overcome these kinds of issues...there is a good chance the student will be out for the rest of the year. I have another student whom we just got on an IEP for academic struggles and now the student is having significant behavior issues in addition to academic issues. Its hard to see a kid struggle that much. I keep hearing I need to learn to leave work at work, but its hard to do.
I can honestly say I am ready for summer and sun and all things hot. (cue Olaf)
I can't wait to sleep in til 7:30, and then spend the rest of the day hanging out with Little Man.
I am hoping that will give me some extra time to focus on healthier eating and continue working out. We have a lot of big changes heading our way, we are selling our condo in the next few weeks, and then going to be looking to buy a house. I can NOT wait to be out of the rental. We have enjoyed living here, but I am ready for a place to call my own. I hate the feeling of being somewhere temporarily, the whole time we've lived here I have had it in the back of my mind that its not permanent, don't get too settled in, we're not staying. I hope the condo sells fast, we find the perfect home and we the move goes smoothly. Pray the condo sells very fast :)
That's all that is new in the Robinson house.... except this gem from Eli...
The other night I asked him what he wanted to be when he grows up. His response? "A carrot"
whatever that means :)
Do you have big plans for Mother's Day?
and had lost 9lbs. It just melted off. That was the one week I was 100% of the whole30. That weight has stayed off, but I've only lost 2 more pounds since then. I am OVER.IT. I am going to go back to 100% grain free, dairy free this week. I am not going to sweat a bit of soy or hidden sugars here or there....but $*#@$(#(% I can't do this 1/2 a pound at a time. I have picked up my work outs to at least 3-4 a week, with a mix of cardio and weights. My poor, stupid, right foot has been in agony due to plantar facitis.... which the swelling of the tendons in the bottom of the foot and causes intense pain and makes it excruciatingly difficult to work out effectively. I can't run, jog or sprint. I can't even walk for cardio, I can barely get through my regular day of walking :( It has made working out a bit more challenging. My darling friend and her husband both work at University and he is the gym teacher/coach for the high school. Thankfully, they have graciously invited me to go work out with them and I have learned a lot about getting cardio in through circuit training and stations etc. That is probably my best priority for the next few weeks until my foot heals. I can't believe I haven't lost more weight than this. Its getting ridiculously frustrating and I am losing patience.
Back to the best combination whole30 I can scrap together this week.
IN other news- school has been ROUGH this week. I have a student in the hospital with some serious mental health issues. I adore this student and am worried about them. I have their sibling in advising as well and I can see the stress in the younger student. I don't know how to reach out and help this student overcome these kinds of issues...there is a good chance the student will be out for the rest of the year. I have another student whom we just got on an IEP for academic struggles and now the student is having significant behavior issues in addition to academic issues. Its hard to see a kid struggle that much. I keep hearing I need to learn to leave work at work, but its hard to do.
I can honestly say I am ready for summer and sun and all things hot. (cue Olaf)
I can't wait to sleep in til 7:30, and then spend the rest of the day hanging out with Little Man.
I am hoping that will give me some extra time to focus on healthier eating and continue working out. We have a lot of big changes heading our way, we are selling our condo in the next few weeks, and then going to be looking to buy a house. I can NOT wait to be out of the rental. We have enjoyed living here, but I am ready for a place to call my own. I hate the feeling of being somewhere temporarily, the whole time we've lived here I have had it in the back of my mind that its not permanent, don't get too settled in, we're not staying. I hope the condo sells fast, we find the perfect home and we the move goes smoothly. Pray the condo sells very fast :)
That's all that is new in the Robinson house.... except this gem from Eli...
The other night I asked him what he wanted to be when he grows up. His response? "A carrot"
whatever that means :)
Do you have big plans for Mother's Day?
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