birthy thoughts

No, R2 is not here yet. However I have had so many birthy thoughts swirling around in my head that I felt like sitting down and releasing them into the world and into God's hands would be soothing to my soul. I felt so much relief after I posted the blog post about trying to conceive this little lady, I wanted to see if writing everything out helped me focus and get ready to birth her.

Ever since Eli's peaceful, thought out, respectful but emergency cesarean birth, I have wanted to try again. I want to birth a baby the way women were designed to. I harbor no bitterness or resentment towards Eli's birth. Every step of the way I felt like my wishes were honored, respected and my voice was listened to. I believe that is all anyone can hope for in a birth, unexpected things happen all the time and that is why *I* chose to birth in the hospital, it gives me a sense of peace. Eli was delivered at PVH in Fort Collins, which is part of University Health Systems. When I discovered I was pregnant with this baby, we immediately decided to deliver at PVH's sister hospital, the brand-new, state of the art, MCR. We automatically assumed our experience would be the same, the same amazing staff, respectful environment and supportive experience that we loved so dearly with Eli. My main midwife. K, was on board with my plans to VBAC. We discussed the causes of Eli's cesarean birth (OP and asynclitic presentation, basically he was sunny side up with his ear to his shoulder and the cord wrapped around him multiple times) and we discussed how I went into labor on my own, how I progressed on my own all the way to 8cm, how I tolerated labor with no pain meds and everything was great....until it wasn't. After they broke my water with E (with my consent after stalling at 8cm for a while) his heart rate tanked. My heart rate tanked. I was blacking out, and hardly breathing on my own. My amazing doula had me turning over in bed as much as I could after we made the call to get the epidural. At that point I knew, he would be a c-section. Honestly the word brought relief to me. I knew Eli wasn't going to tolerate labor much longer. K agreed that everything surrounding Eli's birth was basically the perfect storm of things to happen to lead to a true emergency c-section. We tried everything we could, and I am grateful for modern medicine that safely brought my boy into this world.
However, this birth is different. This baby is different. And I want to try to birth her vaginally. I felt like everyone was on board, until I saw a different midwife in my practice around November. She was colder and more "interventiony" than K. This lady immediately started in on how MCR doesn't allow VBACS (I HATE that word "allow" how do you NOT allow someone to use their body for the thing it was designed to do?!!?!) and I would need to accept a repeat c-section. I was in tears. I left the appointment and called Geoff, frantic about trying to change providers and deliver at a different hospital. At my next appointment I saw K again and she reassured me it was not a big deal, we just would refuse the csection, they can't force me to have surgery if I don't want it. I have been anxious and frustrated since then. I once read in Ina May Gaskin's book that the cervix is smart, she writes about mothers who have been in active labor only to have someone enter the room, or circumstances change only to have the cervix reverse dialate and close back up. I fully believe this is where I am sitting right now.
I had not seen that midwife until last week, at my 38 week appointment. Before I get into that, I want to mention I fell at work and had to go to labor and delivery to be monitored for 4 hours, standard procedure. One of the other midwives was there and ordered a quick ultrasound to check placenta and fluid levels. The ultrasound tech came in and did a very quick ultrasound, with no real pictures of the baby except to confirm she is in fact head down and facing my back (yay).
Anyway, at my 38 week appointment I was scheduled to see that midwife again, the one who shattered my confidence earlier in my pregnancy. She came in my room, spent 3 minutes finding the heart beat, asked if I was still planning on a TOLAC (trial of labor after cesarean) and marched me up to the receptionist and ordered I meet with an OBGYN and schedule and ultrasound, because all the sudden this baby is "too big" to birth vaginally, all of this despite the fact I JUST HAD AN ULTRASOUND and I was NOT measuring large, at all. I was in shock. She starts ranting about how VBACs are dangerous and carry such a high risk of uterine rupture and how I need to be prepared to not have one in case R2 is too big.
In shock I made the appointments as directed and left, feeling defeated and scared. I called Geoff and relayed all of this to him, in tears. His response was perfect, basically he said "eff that, you do what you want".
I debated it, talked briefly with an old friend about it, and decided to cancel the ultrasound. I felt like the entire purpose of it was to give them a reason to tell me I couldn't attempt a VBAC.
I kept the appointment with the doctor though, as it is in fact hospital policy. I had that appointment on Wednesday this week, at 39 weeks pregnant I dragged Eli with me to meet the doc.
I had already decided I was going to refuse a vaginal exam because I have heard of doctors stripping membranes or breaking water without asking and I did NOT want to give anyone the chance. Not to mention I was extremely uncomfortable with the situation and didn't want someone I just met sticking their hand up my hoo-ha! The nurse was annoyed that I refused to undress and immediately called the doctor in. The doctor was pushy and rude, and kept saying she couldn't tell if I was a good candidate for a VBAC without checking my pelvis for physical anomalies. I politely stood my ground and refused the exam. I tried to explain my reasoning but was cut off everytime I started talking. I was humiliated and frustrated. The doctor then pulled out the form for me to sign to consent to the VBAC. I basically signed a waiver saying that even though there is >1% chance of uterine rupture (the same chance of uterine rupture in a NON VBAC is labor is induced or augmented with pitocin) that I had to accept all risk and responsibility. The doctor wasted no time going into a long diatribe about all the graphic and terrible things that could happen to me and my baby.
I am not even in labor and they're playing the dead baby card. I finally said "I understand, can I sign and go?"
The doctor admitted I sounded like I had done my research and she didn't see any reason I shouldn't at least try to VBAC.
So here I sit, at 39w1d (Eli was born at 38w6d), as pregnant as I have ever been, scared to go into labor because I feel like I am walking into a fire fight as soon as I step foot into that hospital. Its a frustrating and scary feeling. I don't have my heart 100% set on a VBAC in the sense that I am going to be crushed if it doesn't happen, but I would like to feel supported and trusted that my body can, or might be able to, or at least not doubted until there is a reason to doubt. I strongly feel like Eli's birth was a fluke, a weird circumstance, and a perfect storm of weird situations that aligned for him to be born via cesarean. I don't feel like its my only option, I don't feel like I have no choice, I don't feel like I am doomed to fail. I do not want my baby cut out and removed from me like a tumor. I want to labor, and birth her. If, for some reason, circumstances dictate otherwise, I will relent and consent to other options, but we don't know that yet. I just want to be trusted to try.

I spoke with a lovely mama friend on the phone a night or two ago and she prayed for peace over me and this baby, and for this baby girl to come in her perfect time with the perfect people in the room. I am offering that prayer up to God now. I am ready, I am trying to be ready anyway, for this baby girl to come in her perfect time and in her perfect way. I am praying the midwife on duty when I get there is the right one with the knowledge and skill to help me deliver the way that God intends. I am also praying I know exactly the right moment to leave for the hospital, as my own mama has to drive 2 hours to get here to take care of Eli. I am trying very hard to shake off the fear and doubt and worry that I am feeling right now and prepare my mind, soul and body to do its work. Geoff and I made the call the tomorrow will by my last day of work. I am doubting that decision now as I physically feel like I could work through Wednesday (my due date) next week, but believe it is the right choice for us because now I can use any time I have to rest and relax and mediate on this sweet baby girl. I am terrified, I feel like someone is going to jump out at any time now and yell "April Fools! No baby for you!" Like this was all some sick joke. I am trying to let go of the doubt and face the reality that I *can* and will have this baby sometime soon.
If you are the praying kind, and you have read this far, please pray for my birth, Pray that R2 comes in God's perfect time, and in God's perfect way. Pray that this fear and doubt that is plaguing me disappears and I am strong and capable. Pray that we know the exact time to leave for the hospital and the perfect people to be with me in the room when I deliver. I surrender all of this to God's hands.